The Deep Silence of a Long Suffering Heart

Exciting Things Are Happening - Come on Over!!

2011-10-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to do a "Last Call" for anyone who wanted my new blog address. There are exciting things happening over there!!

Email me at revenaub.jackson@gmail.com for the new url.

<3

Reminder!! And a Giveaway :)

2011-06-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

My blog has moved. Please email me at ravenaub.jackson@gmail.com for the new blog address or check out the 704th issue of the LFCA for the new blog address.

I will host a giveaway when I get to 25 followers! Thanks for continuing on this journey with me!

Blog Move

2011-05-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

My blog move will take place tomorrow. If you missed it, you can read about my reasons for moving my blog here. If you wish to continue following my journey (and I sincerely hope you do!) you can wait for the next issue of the LFCA to get the new url or feel free to email me at ravenaub.jackson@gmail.com and I will give you the new link to my blog. I hope to see you all on the other blog!***

***I just checked and the LFCA was recently published (just yesterday!). If you plan on waiting until the next LFCA is published, don't worry about falling behind, I have been really busy and won't be posting that much in the next week or so. :)

Awful Angry Ugly Rant

2011-05-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I am completely belligerent and irrational today. I'm bitter and hateful and there is no pulling the reigns back on my emotions right now. This is not the me that I enjoy being. This is the me that this journey is making me right now. I could probably fight hard against these feelings, but I don't have the strength today. It is THURSDAY and I will feel how I need to feel.

I am so angry today. It's now been three weeks and this last week has dealt me more bad days than good. Now it's Thursday again and I woke up thinking, "Today, I WOULD'VE been eleven weeks pregnant." Is it going to be like this every Thursday? Will I ever get to just enjoy one without wondering what ~~could've~~ should've been?? I just want to go back to bed until tomorrow, but I can't.

I've been so bitter of late. I've completely dropped off of my two week wait forums. I don't comment at all on my IVF forum anymore and the miscarriage forum that I joined with the other December 2011 mamas who lost their babies is moving right along without me which is probably for the best. They are all coping amazingly well with their losses and making plans to move forward and trying to get pregnant again. I am not dealing so well with my loss. I WISH I was. Believe me, it would be so much easier to just handle it and move on. While I feel like I'm handling it, the moving on is the hard part. Certainly DH and I could hope for an au naturale pregnancy, but those odds are not likely. In order to move forward in the TTC department, we would need to make plans, make appointments, make phone calls. So hilarious that making a baby is more about making phone calls than making love. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. And what's funnier...I am about as fertile as one could possibly be right now. Ask my good friend unaffected. She was lucky enough to get a picture of my CM yesterday, as it was the stretchiest and most it's ever been. I was completely in awe of myself and my EWCM. Put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Facebook is full of pregnancy/birth announcements this week. Just another website I'll be ignoring for a bit. As if it isn't bad enough that I skip over belly pics, new baby pics, prenatal doctor's appointment updates, etc. I've also found myself raging against certain ALI blogs that I've come across. Yep, you read that right. I've been hating on fellow infertiles, people. A new low, indeed. For example, I found a blog through a blog that I follow and I was reading her "TTC Journey" and was feeling all sympathetic to her plight and everything. She did all the IUIs and the Cl.omids and the Fe.mara cycles and then had to move on to IVF. My heart understands. It sympathizes. It really does. So she does IVF and it works. She gets a baby out of it. So she wants another. I understand. It's an intrinsic desire, wanting to build on your family. So she does IVF again and it works. She's happily trucking through her second trimester. Awesome, right? Totally. I slammed my computer shut and thought to myself, "So you had to do IVF twice and it worked both times. Poor you. It must be soooooooo hard."

Yes, indeed. Who am I and where is the real me?? I hope she comes back soon because I have to go to Walmart in a bit and I'll certainly bust a cap in someone's ass if I have to go feeling like this.

Good News Will Work Its Way To All Them Plans.

2011-05-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.

The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere. I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on. I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday. I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too. I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things. So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward. I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.

I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be). While deciding if we will cycle again. So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.

1.) Exercise. I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily. For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise! It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air. So amazing to be back out there and be active again!

2.) Travel. Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August. While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman. We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn). That's at the end of August. Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break. Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!

3.) Change. I am working a lot on me. I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost. Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying. It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now. I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.

That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1. If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way. If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress. I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like. I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!

And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:

...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...

Le Sigh

2011-05-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

I hate Thursdays.

For the record, I realize it's Wednesday, but I hate Thursdays and Thursday is tomorrow and I probably won't blog tomorrow, so I'll just say it now - I hate Thursdays.

You see, each Thursday I would have turned another week pregnant. This week's Thursday, also known as "tomorrow", I would have been ten weeks pregnant. Two weeks from proclaiming to the world that we ~~are~~ were happily expecting. Now each passing Thursday propels me one week closer to an unfulfilled due date. Figures. Stupid Thursday. Not cool enough to be "hump day" and not fun enough to be celebrated as the day ushering in the weekend.

There is a whole Facebook page dedicated to the hatred of Thursdays. I will most likely be joining it.

Ten Days of Company and Looking Ahead

2011-05-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

I am not dead :)

Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.

On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.

Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...

Grief

2011-04-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

I don't want to let another day pass without at least telling you all that, physically, I am okay. The D&C went as expected and I am no longer pregnant.

I am no longer pregnant.

My baby is dead. Gone. Never going to be born. Never going to be loved and looked after and cared for and cherished.

I am in a pretty fucking dark place right now. There is nothing to satisfy the emptiness I feel.

I just want my baby back.

Confirmation (Updated)

2011-04-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

There was no heartbeat today at my ultrasound.

My clinic is going to schedule a D&C this week.

**My D&C is this Wednesday, April 27th. I am so thankful they are getting me in so soon.**

Letting Go

2011-04-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

My whole body hurts. From the middle of my back to my knees, I feel my whole body gearing up for what I only imagine is going to be one hell of a period. It's getting ready to let go. And I have been, too.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and sweet comments. Some of you have been cheering me on since my first post. Others, my first injection. Still others, my first beta. I am so appreciative of all of the support I have received during what had been a crazy, bumpy ride.

Truth be told, I think this is coming to an end. I know there's no way to know for sure until my appointment on Monday. Call it mother's intuition, I think my baby is tired. It's okay to let go. I've been telling her since yesterday that if it would be easier to go, I only want her to know first that I've been dreaming about and wanting her for so long and I want nothing more to be her mom, but that I understood.

I will miss this baby every single day. I know it will be hard to deal with, but I have been told a lot by my DH that he thinks I have been strong and handled everything really well. I hope that I can grieve this loss and find a way to go forward. Although it is not the outcome we had hoped, it is an answer and it is a way to move on and start living again.

Oh, my sweet baby....

If it Weren't for Bad News, There Would be No News

2011-04-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

Warning: I curse at the end of this post. Offended? Don't read.

Last night, I ran a fever. Out of concern, I called the RE's office and let them know. Of course, they wanted me to come in so they could take a look. The good news? RE thinks that the fever is viral and that it would pass within a day or two.

Bad news: Fetal heart rate was down to 97. Monday it was 103. RE is "concerned". Says time will tell and we will recheck on Monday. He also marked my check-out sheet "high risk pregnancy" for the first time ever and I found the reason why on Dr. Google.

http://radiology.rsna.org/content/236/2/643.full

Don't feel like reading it? Here is the gist. In 300 pregnancies where a low embryonic heart rate was found at 6-7 weeks (low = 100 bpm or less at 6.3 - 7.0 weeks), 188 or 60.6% ended before the first trimester was over. Many ended within a week. (As in, go back for recheck and find out that fetal cardiac activity had ceased.)

I fall into this category. Yay! Can't wait to go in on Monday and see whether or not my baby died. And the best part? Even if the heart rate recovers, my chances of "first trimester demise" are still 25% higher than most pregnancies.

Fuck you IVF. Fuck the last 3 months of my life and all the hope I had that this bullshit would work, too.

Miscalculated LMP and the Discovery of "The Source"

2011-04-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

If you are uber observant, then perhaps you noticed that my pregnancy ticker has been adjusted. (Just so you know, I don't really expect any of you to have noticed that, but it has been adjusted so I thought I'd share why.) I went in for my U/S this morning and noticed that they have my LMP (last menstrual period) as 3/3/11. I thought it was 2/28/11 since my babies were conceived on 3/14/11. Silly me just assumed that the kiddos were created on the "Day 14" of my cycle and apparently, they were fertilized on "Day 11". No worries, I'm just not 7 weeks pregnant today, I am 6 weeks, 4 days. Due date is 12/8/11. (That seems really far away, doesn't it?)

Baby is measuring one day behind and I was told not to worry about that discrepancy. One day does not matter, but three or four days would, so I am choosing not to worry about this. Heart rate was 103 and I was told that for a 6 week, 4 day old fetus, that is perfectly within normal range. At about 8 weeks, the heart rate will jump up to the 120-160 range. I am also okay with this. Baby is measuring .60 cm. Last Tuesday, baby was .20 cm and when converted to mm, baby grew from 2 mm to 6 mm which is also good. Dr. Awesome RE also found what he believes to be the cause of the bleeding - a hematoma near the baby that is very small (hopefully all bled out!). I am really pleased to have found a cause. All this unexplained bleeding was not sitting right with me. There has to be a reason, right?!

I am to come back in one week for another U/S. I am hoping that I can be released to an OB at that point. I just need one week of no drama!! RE recommended continued limited activity including lots of rest, no sex, no hot baths, no hot tubs or saunas, etc.

All in all, a great report! :)

Anticipation

2011-04-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd say this, but I am super sick of blogging about TTC and obsessing over the ever looming threat of a miscarriage. So, I will keep today's thoughts on these matters short and to the point:

My bleeding has stopped. I am not as naive as I was before. It may come back. I anticipate that it will just because I've become more cynical over the past two and a half weeks. I dare you to blame me. For now, it is gone and I will enjoy every moment of its absence.

Now, in other news, I got my hair did today. I feel like a new person! If I must sit around in my pajamas, I will do so with good hair, darnit. And in more hair news, I ordered my extensions today!! Next Friday, I will have 6 more inches of hair! I cannot wait as I am really impatient and this whole waiting for my hair to grow out isn't really working for me. Can you imagine? Five whole months of gorgeous, long, thick, Kate Middleton-ish or a bit longer, hair. And when I take them out my real hair will have grown that much longer. Winning!

See - I'm not all mopey and grumpy and forlorn all the time. There are lots of things to be happy about. Today, my hair makes me happy. :) Lots of other less shallow things make me happy, too. I am looking forward to seeing baby bean on Monday. I hope she's okay in there and still enjoying her stay. I am thankful for my church family who are taking care of DH and the boys and I in our time of need. Someone is coordinating meals and a lady is coming over next week to clean my house. How blessed am I to have such wonderful people who want to be here for us and give us the best chance of staying pregnant? God isn't good. He is wonderful!

Here's a pic of me and the bean today (and my rockin' hair!)

Have a good weekend everyone! :)

Teetering

2011-04-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

My happiness from Tuesday's ultrasound was sweet, but short-lived. Late Tuesday night, I passed several (five or so) clots and went in for another u/s. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying. I was told that at this point, I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. Although I hate those odds, I left feeling relieved. My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby. Now, I am back to the place where everything is distorted. Every positive, good feeling is punctuated by a question mark. Every dark, morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear.

I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood. Now I am back to dark brown spotting. I don't know what to do or think. I cannot go rushing in for an u/s every time I see tissue. I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make. At this point, I should feel confident that I've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine. I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on. It's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I'm looking at a crime scene. When I'm there, I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office.

I am tired. I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak. Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away, I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide-eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life.

The Dreaded Red and True Love

2011-04-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today has been "interesting". What started as any other Tuesday got very scary and then turned out happy. I find myself feeling tired from this roller coaster and wondering what is in store.

At around 12:30, I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching. It's been hurting since yesterday, but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks. I also noticed that I was feeling crampy. I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear. I peed, wiped (more blood), and when I went to flush, the water was bright pink. I thought this was over. Apparently, I was wrong. I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I started to shake. I started to panic.

I tried reaching DH a few times and didn't have any luck. I called Dr. Awesome RE's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound. I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me. I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it. I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office. He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound. I asked him to please hurry as I didn't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary.

DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle. Apparently, he was working out at lunch and that's why I couldn't reach him. When he finally got back to me and got the news, he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle. Dr. Awesome RE's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice. We were ready for Captain Condom Wand. I took a deep breath, grabbed DH's hand in a death grip and looked away. I was too afraid to naively look wide-eyed at the screen. A few seconds later, Dr. Awesome RE told me to look at the screen.

One gestational sac, measuring right on track. One yolk sac. One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart. Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant.

We are in love.

And I am on bedrest. For at least until my next ultrasound.

Last Beta Before U/S

2011-04-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

My beta today was 6138. Had it gone to 5800, it would have doubled. I am feeling very pregnant, too. Nausea, heartburn and so sleepy.

All good things, though. Feeling over the moon and excited.

Looking forward to next week's ultrasound.

<3

Too Scared to Screw?

2011-04-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

Yep. This post is about sex. Feel free not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. It needs to be blogged about because it's kind of what's NOT been going on around here. I won't be offended if you don't read or comment. It's all good. :)

So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed. It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.

Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.

It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.) Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition. We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.

It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....

Bad Dreams...

2011-04-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

I tend to dream a lot when I'm really tired. It makes sense that in pregnancy I would dream more because by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I'm exhausted. For the last ten or more nights, I've been dreaming a lot.

A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!" I agreed that this year, I would be DD. Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...

DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane. I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.

Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant. By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound. Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward.

I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.

**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**

Sweet Morning Texts and Beating the Control

2011-04-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

Me: Morning :) I am still pregnant.

DH: Morning. Good. Go eat bfast good for baby.

This is how DH and I said good morning to each other. He'll be back tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him.

My bleeding has stopped. ADIOS! Don't come back now, ya hear?

And I thought I would just show you all that I beat the control line's butt this morning. I'm feeling happy and optimistic for a change.

And here is me! At 5 weeks 2 days and dressed, ready to go out the door and looking like a human being for the first time in ten days.

GO ME!!!

More Good News

2011-04-05T05:12:00.000-07:00

I decided to go in yesterday for another beta instead of waiting until today. DH was scheduled to leave for work in Louisiana this morning and he encouraged me to get tested yesterday so that if the results were not good, he would just cancel his trip. Well, I am happy to report that he left this morning. :)

My beta yesterday was 481. Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling". It went 61 above that! I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter. The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good. They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...

In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am. I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.

Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:

And a digi for good measure:

Beta # 3 (No April Fool's Joke, Either!)

2011-04-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

My beta is 140 today. It doubled and then some. My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40.85 hours.

I honestly don't know what to think.

I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta. If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.

Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby. My bleeding is the same.

My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.

Location: Limbo

2011-03-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us. We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid. Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low." It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think. We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow). I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF. I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison. And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

WTF

2011-03-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

My beta doubled. I have been told to stay the course with my meds and come back in on Monday for another beta. Oh, and to rest with my feet up as it appears that I could be miscarrying a twin.

Let's see, what else??

Oh, and just so you all know, I don't expect this to end well still. That may sound pessimistic, but I don't really hear a lot of low initial betas ending well. Try not to get all cheerleader-y because when the weekend ends, I figure all this will, too. I want you guys to know that I am prepared for what is most likely to come. I will keep you all updated as I know more.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts and offerings of sympathy. I love you guys.

It's Over

2011-03-29T05:17:00.001-07:00

I woke up bleeding this morning.

Beta Hell

2011-03-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

My beta was 32.

I have to go back in on Wednesday to have my numbers rechecked.

They wanted them to be above 50.

This is what they call beta hell.

I am in it.

As Promised......Pee Sticks! :)

2011-03-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

Here is a little gallery of things I've peed on in the last week. For your ultimate viewing pleasure!

Answer Friday (3/25) Out of the case:

Answer Saturday (3/26):

Answer Sunday (3/27):

Equate on Friday (3/25) Out of the case:

Equate Saturday (3/26):

Equate Sunday (3/27):

Blue Wondfo Friday (3/25):

Blue Wondfo Saturday (3/26):

Blue Wondfo Sunday (3/27):

What do you all think? Beta results tomorrow!!

Lines, Lines, Everywhere is Lines!!

2011-03-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

First off, I'd like to address my grammatical error in the post title. I am aware that the correct way to use that statement is "Everywhere are lines" or "Lines are Everywhere" but I was thinking of the song "Signs" (Tesla's cover of it) when I titled my post and was trying to stay with the style of the song. As you may be well aware, I am referring to my home pregnancy tests having lines. Lots and lots of lines.

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

According to home tests, there is a bun in my oven! I am beyond shocked and incredibly grateful and just so, so happy and well, plain scared. I'm going to be a mom again. I'm giving my husband another child and we want this baby so bad that I'm scared to death that this isn't really happening. OR that something is going to happen to take this baby (or even babies) away from us. I'm thinking positively and doing what I can to keep myself and my baby (ies) safe, though. What else can I do?

Beta is two days away. Please pray that the numbers are good and we can have a definite answer and can look forward to our first ultrasound. And as always, thanks to all of you who read my blog and share this journey with me and give me constant support and lift me up with your comments. You will never know how much you mean to me, my bloggy friends.

Kleptomania and The Love of Basketball

2011-03-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

A snippet of conversation from before bed last night:

(The scene is a master bedroom with a king-sized bed and a handsome devil of a husband laying propped against some pillows and reading Wikipedia on his Ipod. His wife enters the room, slightly vexed, and says,)

ME - Umm, I need to talk to you about something that could be a problem.

DH - Okay.

ME - Well, I went to get my progesterone checked today and I took DS2 with me and there was a little stress ball by where they draw blood that looked like a basketball. I assume that people who don't bring their veins to their blood draw squeeze on the ball and...you get my point.....so, DS2 takes the ball and starts playing with it and the nurse does her thing with poking a hole in my arm and then she tapes me up and says to DS2, 'I need that back if you don't mind.' They then start throwing the little basketball back and forth and I say, 'DS2, we need to go pick up DS1. Put the ball back on the table and let's head out.' The nurse and I talk a little about my progesterone and whatnot and then we leave.

DH - What is the point of this moronic story?

ME - I'm trying to tell you!! She asked for the ball back and I thought he put it back on the table, but I just looked in my purse for chap stick and look what I found!! (pulls out little basketball from behind back) Our son stole the basketball from the fertility clinic. HE STOLE THE BALL!!!! OUR SON STEALS!!!!!

DH - He didn't steal that ball. I took it on Saturday when we went in for our embryo transfer.

ME - What would possess you take the basketball?

DH - Because I thought DS2 would like it.

(Scene ends)

Albeit a completely pointless tale, I just had to share. :D :D :D :D :D

38 comments, VFPs, & My Babies!!

2011-03-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday!! What do you all think of my babies? Aren't they adorable? They really do resemble my side of the family. :) Today, I stopped by the fertility clinic to have my progesterone levels checked and I picked up my babies first picture. I asked the nurse if she needed a blood draw for the progesterone or if showing her the welts on my bum would be sufficient enough. She thought I was funny. For real, though, my poor bum. The welts are red, they're itchy, and they're ugly. All for the best cause, though. Do you see my babies up there? :) Anything for them.

Yesterday, as an honest to goodness attempt to make good on my Iron Commentator endeavor, I commented on thirty eight blogs. I am officially ahead of the game. It feels good. Everyone's story is unique and important. I always find myself writing a paragraph for a comment. I also like to read their other posts and their About Me sections and their TTC stories. Wow, to connect on such a personal level with so many women is a privilege. I hope they feel the same way when they come here.

Today I POAS. I know, I know. 8DPO and 3DP5DT is soo, so early. But there was a line. A VFP. A very faint positive. I'm going to keep it for myself for now, but will definitely share it when I put up progression pictures.

Can you believe it?! I'm a little pregnant. Who'd a thunk?

ICLW and 2DP5DT

2011-03-21T07:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog ICLWers!! I am going to more than make up for my lack of commenting and returning comments last month by attempting to be an Iron Commentator this month. It will be my act of redemption. I am 30 and so is DH. We are TTC #3 and I am currently PUPO with twins via IVF with ICSI. In January, DH was diagnosed with antisperm antibodies and although we were given the three IUIs option, we opted to jump into the deep end of IF and go straight to IVF. Honestly, I just didn't think the IUIs would work. Too much reading about the condition led us to go for what we felt was our best chance at conceiving. So, that's about it. Grab a seat. Stay a while. At least hang on until next Monday when I have my beta!

So, at 2DP5DT, I am feeling kind of neutral. I keep having positive thoughts for the sake of my little embabies that are trying to make a home in my womb. My mood is peppered with moments of doubt and fear. We didn't receive a phone call yesterday, so none of the other seven embryos we had made it to freeze. I won't lie, I cried. I cried because they didn't get the chance to grow and develop and become our children. I cried because I feel even more pressure for this to work with what we have in there. I'm not sure if it's something that anyone else that I've talked to about understands. I get the feeling that people are too encouraging sometimes. Too optimistic. Is that awful for me to say? I don't know.

What I do know is I have to allow my mind to go to a place where this may not work. I have to prepare myself emotionally for "no". Now that we don't have any frosties, "no" means a lot more. It most likely means the end of the line for us and TTC. I can't see going through this again. Hope for the best. Expect the disappointment. That's what IF has taught me.

Now that I sound like Debbie Downer (sorry), I will say that I'm feeling crampy, which I think is good. I rub my belly a lot and talk to my embabies. DH says goodnight to them and asked them several times over the weekend if they were still in there - lol. I'm thirsty and get over-heated easily. There's also this weird pulling sensation at the very tops of my legs. Don't know what that's all about. I think they will be implanting today and tomorrow. I was thinking of POAS maybe Thursday, but probably Wednesday.

If you don't visit my blog again, I want you to leave knowing that I believe with all my heart that I will get some sort of happy ending. I think we all will. Even if it's not the one we originally thought we'd have. There's a saying I love and it's (something like) "Everything ends happily. If you're not happy, it isn't the end." Or something to that effect. You get the point. :)

PUPO with Twins!!

2011-03-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's taken me so long today to update you all on the transfer. We went in at nine a.m. and had to wait a little while for the retrieval that was scheduled ahead of us to finish. My appointment was for 9:30, but we didn't get called back until close to ten. Needless to say, I was more than anxious at that point!

We went into a conference area with Dr. Awesome RE and he informed us that we had two Grade C embryos ready for transfer. I immediately wondered why they weren't an A or even a B. (I mean, come on, my husband is an engineer and while I lack a wealth of book smarts, I have incredible life skills and am full of common sense.) Dr. Awesome RE said that although As and Bs were not impossible, he rarely saw any embryos receive such high marks there. Their grading criteria is very harsh and Cs and even Ds are what he mainly transfers. I had read a few other blogs where they had A+ embryos for transfer and while, kudos for them, I actually felt really good knowing that ours had gone through a very difficult grading system and came out with the marks that they did. No worrying! Not today!

We went back to the area where I was placed to await ER and I was told to strip down from the waist down and that DH could put on some scrubs over his clothes. I snapped this picture of us before we got ready:

Awe....the mama and the papa :)

Then we got all dressed (or undressed as it was for me!) and ready. I snapped this pic of DH and Dr. Awesome RE:

Spacemen

After that, I was wheeled into the OR where I had just had my ER on Monday. They kept me on the stretcher for the whole thing to keep me from having to get up afterward. Dr. Awesome RE placed a speculum (think pap smear) into my vagina and then started squirting down my lady parts with saline and talking about how he was creating as sterile an environment for the catheter with the embabies as possible. After the douching, he showed us the catheter that he would be using to insert into my uterus via my cervix. There are actually two catheters: a white outer one for insertion and a clear smaller one that goes inside of the white one that would have the embabies in it. Once he positioned the white catheter, he asked the embryologist to get the clear one with the embabies, a.k.a. the "loaded" one, from the lab next door. When she returned holding that little clear tube, I lost it. I started bawling. I couldn't believe that my babies were in there! He inserted the clear tube into the white one, pushed the plunger on the end and voila! I was pregnant with twins. DH was so sweet. He kept a hold of my hand and wiped my tears with his other one. I was very unprepared for all of my emotions, so I was happy to have his hand as a kleenex. :)

That was it. Took all of five minutes We hugged and kissed when we got back to our little holding area and closed the curtain. DH went on and on about how cool it was (I knew it would hit him eventually!). I laid there for an hour and then we came home. Like nothing had even happened. But everything has happened. I've got two little babies inside of me. Please pray that they snuggle down next to their mama and grow.

Love to all...

Last Embryo Update Before Transfer

2011-03-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today I got my last phone call updating me on my embabies (thanks for the cool name, Rosachka!). It was a little bittersweet getting the last news of their progress before the transfer. As if this week could get any longer, tomorrow is going to drag on forever without even a phone call to look forward to. Also weird to think that the two lucky finalists will be transferred into me (where they belong!) and the rest will be frozen in time. *big sigh*

Very thankful that on this windy Thursday we have:

~ 1 nine-cell embaby
~ 5 eight-cell embabies
~ 1 seven-cell embaby
~ 1 six-cell embaby
~ 1 four-cell embaby

We lost one. It was a one-cell yesterday and it never progressed any further. We are very thankful for what we have for sure. She said they looked great.

Transfer less than 48 hours away! I can't believe I'm about to be PUPO! :D

My 50th Post and an Embryo Update!!

2011-03-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Wow! First of all, I just have to say that I feel such a huge milestone here with this being the 50th post on my little blog about our infertility. I have almost 30 followers, too! Thank you guys so much for being here for me. All the comments are read and appreciated. I've also tried to follow all of my follower's blogs, too. Get the love, give the love, you know?

I have my second embryo update for your viewing pleasure.

We have, on this sunny Wednesday:

~ 2 six cell embryos
~ 2 five cell embryos
~ 4 four cell embryos
~ 1 three cell embryo
~ 1 one cell embryo

We definitely have TEN!!

My little Wilbur runt caught up! What a fighter! Yay!

Fertilization Report!!

2011-03-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

~ 15 eggs retrieved

~ 3 not mature, not ICSI-ed, and discarded

~ 2 did nothing after fertilization.

~ 1 is a "maybe" and will be observed overnight in hopes it starts dividing.

~ 9 double cell nuclei showing normal division!!

We have nine (maybe ten!) babies!! :)

Egg Retrieval and the Anesthesiologist of my Dreams...

2011-03-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

Today was the big day!! All these shots, hormones, emotions, and heavy ovaries culminated in what ended up being a very anti-climatic egg retrieval. Yat for that! I slept well last night. I woke up at five and didn't go back to sleep after that, but the alarm was set for 6:15 and my anxiety kept me occupied for that hour and fifteen minutes. All was good.

I showered, dressed, straightened my hair, put on a little make-up and we were out the door at 7oh3. We arrived at the fertility institute and I was in my gown, IVed up, cracking jokes with Dr. Awesome RE and shaking hands with Mr. Anesthesiologist by quartertuh8. I kissed DH goodbye and stopped to pee on the way into the OR room (which was only about twenty paces from where I left DH). I had mixed emotions about him being so close to the room where they were going to be jabbing my lady parts with needles. What if I screamed or cried or called out to him during the procedure? I remember my friend Lisa saying that she felt everything during her retrieval and going from her experience, I was going to need a stick to bite down on or at least an inflatable clown to punch.

Once in the room, I put my legs into these cradles which were similar to stirrups, but oddly comfy and Dr. Awesome RE kept me covered while he prepped the u/s machine which I found to be very thoughtful of him. What if my vagina had a case of the Mondays and wasn't ready for its close up just yet? He really does think of everything. :) Dr. Anesthesiologist man offered me up a morning martini that I just couldn't refuse. While we waited for the drugs to work their magic (which I was still skeptical that they would), I asked RE if he would work quickly because I was hungry and there was a Panera Bread across the street from the hospital that was calling my name. A playful conversation ensued with everyone in the OR sharing what their favorite bagel/bagel toppings were from there. Shortly after I declared, "Cinnamon Crunch bagel with butter," I passed out. C.O.L.D.

I woke up with a Sprite in my hand and my DH by my side. (How is THAT for service??) Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: Is it over?

DH: Yeah.

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH: Fifteen.

Two minutes later...

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH: Fifteen.

Me: *sips Sprite.

Two minutes later...

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH: Fifteen, Aub.

Me: Oh right.........................................so, how many eggs then?

DH: Fifteen. Listen, I gotta go make dirty with this here cup.

Yeah, it took a while for me to retain any facts pertaining to the retrieval. What I DO know is this:

~ I slept the whole time and have no recollection at all of the procedure. For that I am eternally grateful to the man who calls himself "Anesthesiologist".

~ Wow for fifteen eggs! I knew I had it in me. (Really, I knew I had them in there. There was every bit of fifteen eggs in my swollen, heavy ovaries.)

~ In a fertility institute, twenty minutes from where I sit blogging......I have babies. How awesome is that?!

Will receive fertilization report in the morning. Can't wait to update you all then.

In Awe & Very, Very Thankful

2011-03-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

With tomorrow's ER looming overhead, I find myself feeling very emotional. Of course, I could attribute everything to my hormones and think nothing more of it, but what I'm feeling goes so much deeper than just high estrogen levels.

I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours. I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child. I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again.

I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents. As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists, the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift.

As a mother of two little boys, I find myself thinking of them, their needs, and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now, but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me. Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling(s) bring them so much joy. This is the last night of just the four of us. Wonderful, epic changes are about to take place!

I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us, new lives will be created soon. It's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be, who they will look like, and how much they are already loved and adored. I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man. He is a great dad. Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together (pats self on back!). I have truly never felt so close to him. Through all the TTC heartache, he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last (almost) ten years of marriage. I am awed by my husband.

Rarely do I ever strike a sentimental chord, so bear with me for all the warm fuzzies. I'm sure I'll be back to my sinister, sarcastic self in no time. Just allow me this moment of reflection and appreciation.

Cannot wait to update you all on ER tomorrow!

Follie Check Tres and OhhhEmmmGeee

2011-03-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

This morning was my third and final follie check! Bright and early, I dragged my ovaries to the appointment. They are so heavy and full. Blood draw same as usual. U/s - not so usual. We lubed up the dildo cam and took a look at the right ovary. Dr. Awesome RE said he was happy with anything over a "10" and he measured around 7 follies all 13mm and above. He moved over to the left ovary and the first words out of his mouth were, "You need to come in Monday for retrieval." On the screen were 3 huge black circles. These suckers measured 23mm plus (averaged down to 20mm or so)! No wonder I'm feeling so full and uncomfortable! Yikes! He wasn't concerned, but the change in schedule concerned me. I'm a planner and I had previously been planning on a Monday retrieval. When my appointments started this week, however, they kept saying it wouldn't be until Tuesday, so I planned for Tuesday. Now it's back to Monday and I feel so ill-prepared!! I was going to cook all day Monday and get some last minute errands ran and whatnot. So much for that, right?!

A few hours ago, Awesome nurse Karen called to say that my estrogen was 2176. TWENTY ONE SEVENTY SIX!!!! Holy hormones, batman! This is where they want it to be, but I'm sure DH would like it much, MUCH lower. :)

So, tonight at eight o'clock sharp, I will trigger with the Ovidrel. Tomorrow, I get to take one blissful day off from shots. Hallelujah.

Of course, Monday will welcome the start of the really fun shots. Progesterone in oil. Right in the a$$. Can't wait.

Follie Check Numero Dos

2011-03-11T07:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday and can I get a "Thank Jeebus, this week of stimming is coming to an end?!!" Holy ovaries! I've been handling things well (for the most part) but these emotions and these ovaries are heavy and intense.

Yesterday, I had a follie check. Twelve follicles measuring 8.5 to 15.8. Dr. Awesome RE was giddy with excitement over it all. All of it. My lady parts are "gorgeous" and everything is going "perfectly". Twice, I caught DH rolling his eyes, but I think he's just jealous that nobody is up in his manhood using such terms. In reality, I just think that my RE has a lot of ladies who don't respond well to the meds and maybe that's why he is so excited over it all. My lining was 10 and that's a great thing, too. They called a few hours laer to say to stay the same course with my Menopur (1mL to two vials of powder = 150mL dosing) and that my estrogen was 915.

Let us briefly review. Nine days ago, my estrogen was 38. Six days later, it was 358. Forty eight hours later, it was 915. To me, that makes laying on the floor of my closet and bawling last night perfectly legit. Dr. Awesome RE confirmed with DH that me being emotional is a perfectly normal response to all these hormones coursing through my veins. Again, DH rolls his eyes. I think he'd rather think I was crazy, which would make his less than warm response to my antics justifiable. But I digress. He thinks, I feel. I'm yin, he's yang. I say tomay - toe, he says tomah - toe. And so on and so on.

Last follie check bright and early tomorrow morning! Will update after!

Mama Mia!

2011-03-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I asked DH if he would come home from work and kindly slap me in the face. The kind of slap that you reserve for those, "What were you thinking?" moments. For example, "Honey, I contacted a real estate agent and went house hunting today. I found a few houses I want you to see." SLAP! "Why would you do that? We aren't settling down here. It took us forever to sell the two houses we did own and we lost a lot of money on one of them. We decided to rent for the next few years." OR "Honey, I bought an Aston Martin." SLAP! No explanation necessary.*

Well, yesterday it went a little something like this: Me - "Honey, please slap me in the face when you get home from work for telling my mom we are doing IVF." DH - "I told you so." It all started with a phone call I got from her where she informed me that she had had a "panic attack" over my doctor's appointment yesterday. She was worried that 14 follicles meant 14 babies and what would we do with 14 babies and (get this) "Can they only take out two eggs and fertilize them?" She also made me explain several times over again things I've told her already. Really? Are these the types of questions I have to field the week before ER/ET? I have my own concerns to deal with without having to explain the process in detail to someone who clearly hasn't even tried to look up any information on their own and understand it. Part of me just has to let it go and tell myself that she loves me and is worried. Part of me wants to scream. I'll give you one guess which part is winning.

At any rate, I can't let it bother me. She called again today and started in with her interrogation and I just told her that I couldn't handle her stress on top of my own. I asked her if she had looked up IVF at all and she admitted that she hadn't. I told her to check out online resources and try to educate herself about the process. The internet is a mighty powerful thing. Just stop playing Farmville for a few minutes and read about it.

I found out yesterday that my estrogen is 381 and Dr. Awesome RE wants me to double up on my Menopur and I'm done with Follistim. I go back in tomorrow morning for another follie check/blood draw. I will be sure to update after!

*Please note: My husband has NEVER raised a hand to me and I do not condone those types of behavior by any means. I use the term in jest and he knows what I mean when I ask for this treatment. It's just me being dramatic. He does spank sometimes, but that is a completely different post altogether. ;)

Follie Check Numero Uno

2011-03-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Tuesday! I'm back from Florida and burnt to a crisp. I like it. I like it a lot. Happy to be back home and have so many exciting things coming up! Gonna be PUPO in a little over a week. It's crazy - all this waiting and then everything happens so quickly!

I had my first follie check this morning and according to Dr. Awesome RE, I am responding perfectly. I have 14 measurable follies. Eight in right and 6 in my left. They range from 6.2mm to 10.8mm. I am waiting to hear the results of my E2 to see if I need to change up my dosage on my medicines. So far, stimming has been okay. My belly looks like a pin cushion and I have this lovely Lupron bruise to contend with (i.e. try to inject around):

Follistim is very gentle. Menopur burns. I'm as hormonal as ever. Lucky DH. This morning I asked him if he had remembered to request off work for Monday. (My ER is scheduled for that day.) He responds with, "For what?" Needless to say, my head spun three times and pea soup went flying. Really? You can't remember what's going on next week? I can see if it were just a procedure how it might slip his mind, but OUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO BE CONCEIVED THAT DAY. Please remember if only for that reason.

Am I crazy to get upset over that?

If your answer is yes, please don't answer.

Follistim Cocktail with an Umbrella?

2011-03-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

So, I just got back from visiting a friend from home and was a terrible ICLWer and only posted once in the last week. Now would probably be a good time to say that I am leaving....AGAIN. I'm meeting a friend in West Palm Beach for a few days! Sunshine, girl talk, fruity non-alcoholic drinks (for me at least) is just what I believe is needed to kick off my week of stims. I'm leaving in a little while and will be there tonight! I'll be back late Monday night (just a quick trip) and will be checking back in with everyone after my follie check Tuesday morning. I hope everything is progressing perfectly. Why wouldn't it be? Sunshine makes your follies grow, right? :)

If I usually comment on your blog, but haven't lately, please know that I am still reading what is going on with you even if it is on my phone sitting in the airport terminal. I have been an absentee commentor and for that, I'm sorry. Once I get back from this trip and go through ER/ET I will be all up in your blogs to an extent where I will most likely annoy you. That's a promise!

Have a great weekend!!

I Am Still Alive

2011-03-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

After not posting for over a week, I want to let you all know that I am alive and well. I was a terrible ICLWer and am so ashamed of my shoddy performance when it came to commenting and responding back to my commentors blogs. *hangs head in shame*

I went back east this past Saturday through Tuesday and lent some support to my friend whose dad is dying. He is still hanging on and is getting moved to Hospice tomorrow. For his sake, I pray he goes quickly. The man has fought hard for two years. He deserves some peace. The whole trip has left me feeling a little disconnected from my IVF cycle. I am still trucking through my Lupron and my Lupron induced AF showed on Sunday (Yikes! Holy bleed-a-thon!) but I feel so distracted at this point in the game, I find myself thinking about cancer and caskets instead of nursery colors and baby names. Talk about a 180, huh?

Yesterday, I had my suppression check and everything is great. My lining was thin (really doc, I've been bleeding like a stuck hog for days, I kinda knew that already), ovaries are looking good with no cysts, and my estrogen is 38 (anything below 50 is good). I am officially suppressed. Which means only one thing:

Follistim and Menopur, here I come!!!!!!

Puke and Poop: Repeat!

2011-02-23T08:11:00.000-08:00

This post is about my sick nine-year-old and all the lovely bodily functions that come along with the stomach flu. I understand if you don't want to read or comment, but this is what's going on in my world since yesterday.

My big boy is sick. It all started yesterday when I went in to wake him up for school and noticed he was kind of moaning in his sleep. I asked him what was up and he said his stomach hurt. I told him to at least try to get up and have breakfast and promised him we'd take it slow and see how he did. Three bites into his waffles, he runs to the bathroom and loses it out of both ends. :( He got a quick shower and went back to bed. The day was uneventful and by evening he had a great dinner and I figured all would be back to normal this morning, which was good because Wednesdays are pretty busy for me. WRONG! He puked at 1 am. He puked and pooped himself at 4 am. He pooped himself at 8 am and he pooped himself at 9 am and he pooped himself just now in the bathtub. It has to be a boy thing. My friend said her little girl would flip out if she lost control of herself in her pants or in the tub. My son acts like it's no big deal!! :/

So, today is all about taking care of him and getting him back to his old self again. DH is out of town for work (which absolutely figures) so it's me against the world today. Bring it! I've got Clorox, Lysol, AND butt wipes. :)

If you are here from ICLW, you can get caught up with what's going on with us here.

Welcome ICLWers and Second Thoughts???

2011-02-21T18:07:00.000-08:00

Greetings ICLWers! This is only my second ICLW and it's all still so exciting to me to have new readers, commenters, and followers. I love the love I feel and love to return it! Please leave me a link to your blog or your ICLW number and I will be sure to return the support.

I am 30 and DH is too. We are TTC baby number 3 and found out after the first of the year that due to antisperm antibodies, IVF is our only realistic option to conceive again. We conceived DSs 1 and 2 while on BC and while NTNP (not trying/not preventing). TTC has never been a challenge before and through this all, I am humbled and grateful for the friendships I've made and the closeness I have achieved with my husband. I truly believe what Sara says about effects of IF on a marriage when she says, "I didn't know I could connect to the core of my soul with my husband. Infertility really takes a marriage to depths of understanding that only fellow infertiles I think could really get." You can read the rest of her amazing post here.

As for me, I am moving right along in my IVF cycle and just finished my BCP last week. I have my suppression check on 3/2 and will start stimming on 3/5. We are scheduled to be PUPO with twins (we hope!) on 3/19. I have a ticker above to count down the days. It will be here before I know it. You can read my medications and timeline over here --------------------->.

Today was a good/bad day. Good because I went up to Guthrie, Oklahoma and saw 29 of the best friends you could ever have at Horse Feathers Equine Rescue. It's a place I'm learning to go to to clear my head and think about others and not be so caught up in myself and SIF all the time. Each of the 29 horses there has an amazing story and has overcome a lot of neglect and abuse and are now thriving and happy. They give me peace and focus. The work is hard, but the rewards are many. It was a great couple of hours.

Admittedly, my day started off pretty badly, though as my Lupron injection hurt so bad I cried and it was only AFTER I took the needle out that I realized the freaking thing was bent. I instinctively started to question everything - why we are doing this, what am I doing to my body, why am I making myself hurt and cry and should we keep doing this.

After a few moments of free-flowing tears, I reminded myself that there is really no turning back for me. I know I can pull the plug on this at any time, but no shot, no bent needle, no hotflash or night sweat is going to keep us from bringing home the baby we love so much that's been conceived already...in our hearts.

It's Tough Being a Girl

2011-02-18T07:24:00.000-08:00

So, I've said it before and I'll say it again, outing myself as struggling with IF on Facebook while risky, scary and impossible to undo, has been an excellent choice. I don't talk a lot about what I'm going through and I certainly don't say as much as I do on here, but I say enough that people know. Even though my intentions were less than pure as you may remember from this post, the effects have been positive and satisfying. Here is a private message I received just yesterday with my post title being the subject line:

Aub,

I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you for being so open and honest about what you're going through right now, trying to get pregnant again.

I just went off the pill last month, and I'm a nervous wreck waiting and wondering. One of my best friends just had a baby last month. She got pregnant a month after going off the pill. Another friend of mine has been trying for a year to have baby #2, and is starting to look into treatment options. So I've seen both points of view.

We wanted to wait until x amount of time before we started trying, and then it was like I woke up one day and wanted a baby NOW! That's made it even more frustrating because I want it to happen so bad, and now I wish we would've started trying sooner. Oh well.

I try to be a big believer in "whatever is meant to be will be", but this is definitely testing me.

I'm usually not on Facebook enough during the day to respond to postings as they happen, but I just wanted you to know that I do see them, and I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

Natalie

For some reason, this message made my heart so happy that I chose to speak. I speak here, believe me, you all know, but to really talk about it and put it out there in a public forum so it cannot be quietly ignored. If one in ten couples faces IF, then out of almost 600 Facebook friends, sixty of them are affected. To be able to reach out to them and be someone that they can come to publicly or privately is a tremendous blessing.

BCP, Lupron, and Airport Injections

2011-02-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

See that?! My last lone birth control pill will be taken tonight and another chapter in this IVF story will be in the books. I started Lupron injections three days ago and while it's not my favorite thing to do, waking up and sticking myself with a needle, it's not horrible either. DH even sat in for yesterday's injection. I think he thinks I'm a rockstar. I kind of feel like one.

In other news, I am making a previously unplanned trip back east next week. My good friend, Kass, her dad is quickly losing his battle with throat cancer and I'm unsure whether he'll still be hanging on or already gone when I get there. Regardless, she needs me and I'm there. Sometimes I think texting and talking does less than sitting together and holding a hand in silence. She would do the same for me - I have no doubt.

I called Delta yesterday and spoke with a representative about my Lupron and my needles. She said they were okay to bring on with me as carry on as long as everything was still in its original manufacturer's packaging and I had a letter from my doctor saying that I am under his care and taking these medicines. I thought I would pass that information along to you in case you ever needed to know! I'm glad they can stay with me because I will need to inject myself when I get to Memphis that morning! That should be fun.

I hope everyone is having a great week and I am going to continue to enjoy this beautiful sunshine and the fact that (so far) Lupron has been kind and not dealt me too many side effects. I'm a little crabby, but I'm always a little crabby, so who knows?! :)

Dear Hubby,

2011-02-14T15:29:00.000-08:00

(Please bear with me reader - when I set out to write this post, I was thinking of Tupac's "Dear Momma" and I just remembered that I'm awful at rhyme and now the following entry will not live up to previous lofty expectations. Sighs.)

Dear Hubby,

Happy Valentine's Day. I love you so much I bought you slippers and one of those sports bracelets that helps with balance and circulation. I have to admit, I was a little skeptical at first about the whole "improves sports performance" guarantee, but the kiosk dude at the mall did a little demo and it really worked. I stand corrected. Anyway, I also stood in line at your favorite bakery at the high noon for twenty five minutes just to get you your favorite red velvet cupcake. I'll probably let you see me naked tonight as well, but that's going to wrap up Valentines festivities for you, kind sir.

I also wanted to take this opportunity to be really nice to you, as it seems that the real Aub is leaving tomorrow and I don't know when she'll be back. I have a feeling that once I stick that little needle into my belly I could be gone for the next three weeks (maybe longer) and I felt it fair warning to tell you that my replacement is going to be mean. Very hormonal. She's going to complain a lot about headaches and hot flashes. She may wake you up angry because you're sleeping soundly while she sweats to death next to you. I heard she cries. A lot. And curses under her breath. Enjoy the rare tender moments with her and check for knives when she pulls you in for a hug. She'll most definitely remind you constantly that she's losing her mind and that it's unfair that she has to be chemically altered while you stay the same and that her contribution to this joint effort includes needles while yours involves a sterile cup and an orgasm. I recommend not talking unless spoken to by her and steal opportunities to work late or better yet, just go out of town for work.

She won't tell you this, but she owes 90%+ of her happiness over the last ten years to you and your efforts in making this relationship work. Because there were plenty of times that we could have called it quits and walked away from what we have, but I think you and I are both better people for staying. We got all sorts of good stuff here. And the best part of us is definitely our babies. I can't wait to have more of those with you.

Please bear with my replacement Aub. I promise to return soon!

Love Always,

Tuesday<3

P.S. It's a good thing that no sexy time whatsoever will go into the making of these babies because that's not something you'll want to do with replacement Aub. *shakes head emphatically*

More Strange Sleep Antics

2011-02-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first night I can ever remember being afraid to go to sleep. I stayed up late reading and walked around the house aimlessly in an effort NOT go to bed, but at around midnight I succumbed to my drooping eyelids and sluggish posture. To bed I went.

DH was already asleep and I curled up next to him and drifted off almost immediately (thank you, Tempur-pedic). Around 3:30, DS2 came in for a drink of water and I carried him back to bed. I am cognizant of this activity. At around 5, however, I woke up because I was very hot and uncomfortable and lo and behold!! I am wearing a hoodie, zipped to the top with the hood up over my head. WTH? What's worse, there was the chapstick from the night before in one pocket and a wad of toilet paper in the other. Really?! Interesting...

I posted on facebook about it this morning and received a private message from a fellow infertile (of course, I didn't know she was, but since I outed myself as one in that particular forum, they seem to be coming out of the woodwork). She asked me if I had started on any of my fertility medicines and that she did some strange things in her sleep when she was on injectibles. My mystery would be all but solved if this were the case. I'm still just taking bcp and waiting to start the art of injecting on Tuesday.

So what is going on with this sleepwalking crap?

Weird Dreams and A Sock Ninja

2011-02-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

Day 19 of my cycle. Sixteen birth control pills down, eight to go. That's about all in this infertiles world right now. If that's all you're interested in, I recommend not reading the rest of this post. But if you're in for some good old-fashioned hilarity, read on.

I had some weird dreams last night. Most I can't remember, but a few of their details linger enough to make me wonder what I had eaten before bed to make such strangeness materialize in my subconscious. One particular dream that happened after the "sock ninja" incident, which I'll inform you of next, was that I delivered my twins at the hospital and we were being discharged and DH came to pick us up in a Prius. He had "surprised" me by trading in our Pilot (eight passengers) for a Prius (four passengers) after I delivered twins bringing our total family members to six. Needless to say, I was irate in the dream, but still woke up happy because I had a dream about my babies!! I can't wait for them. March 19th cannot come soon enough, I say.

So, while the dreams were strange, my real life sleep actions last night were definitely stranger. I woke up around 4 a.m. and realized I was clutching onto a tube of chap stick in one hand and one of DH's socks in the other. How random is that?! Bear in mind, I went to sleep with neither. What's even funnier is that DH was missing a sock when he woke up! WTF? Did I strip him of his sock in the middle of the night? Where did the chap stick come from? Am I sleep walking? As my good friend Kara brought up, am I talking while I'm carrying on these strange antics? I need some sleep surveillance at the very least.

I'm so Raoul Duke sometimes...

Frozen In Time

2011-02-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

I feel frozen in time. There is nothing going on here. Not as far as TTC is concerned. I am STILL waiting for my meds to get here, if you can believe that. I waited all day Friday for them to arrive and finally called the pharmacy to see what was up and the woman informed me that she did not send them. She did not send the medicine I waited all day to sign for. She did not send them. She did not call to say she did not send them. Nope. So she sent them yesterday. So I wait today. And she sent my Follistim to someone else and now she's out of that. So another day in the upcoming week or so, I'll have to wait for that too.

Although, we are suspended in time over here, we are not without big decisions to make. We need to decide how many of my eggs we are going to fertilize. I know, most people would answer, "As many as you can, crazy!!" but we need to play this IVF very conservatively. DH and I are setting out to complete our family and we are not down with having frozen embies. We keep going back and forth about what to do, but we feel like we (hopefully) have a good plan in place for now. We are going to get as many eggs as possible, but Dr. Awesome RE recommended we only fertilize four at a time. The rest of the eggs, we will freeze and IF our cycle fails, we can thaw out and fertilize more eggs, but if it is a success, we will simply have the eggs destroyed. This decision is hard to make. Lots of personal beliefs and morals come into play and it all comes down to what DH and I feel comfortable with doing.

The only question that remains is wondering if fertilizing four is enough? I worry that maybe that is too few? There are people out there that get twenty plus eggs, fertilize ten of them and still only end up with two to transfer. Ugh.

Why is IF so hard??

Why in the hell do we have to think of stuff like this?

My brain hurts.

Solitary Confinement and One Woman's Quest for a Shower

2011-02-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

This whole snowed in thing has certainly lost its appeal. I'm finding myself sinking lower and lower into a state of self-pity that can only be remedied by a meal OUTSIDE THIS HOUSE. The problem is, I require a shower to go anywhere public. "Just jump in," you suggest? I can't. I'm waiting for Mr. UPS guy to deliver my injectibles. As these things usually go, I get in the shower and DING DONG! So, I wait. DH isn't going to be pleased if I'm not ready to go when he gets here, but what can I do? I'm stuck!

With all this wonderful time inside, I've been reading Pictures of You by Caroline Leavitt and the main character, Isabelle Stein, is...yep....infertile. The issue of her infertility is but a small detail in the whole story, but it looms always. Her want for a child, her need to fulfill her maternal instinct is palpable. A particular passage resonated with me and chilled me to the bone:

Isabelle knew this phenomenon. Be tortured by something and the world was sure to serve it up to you. Since she had moved to New York, she saw mothers and sons everywhere on the street. She could be in an empty movie theater and a parent with a child was sure to sit in the row right in front of her.

Be tortured by something and the world is sure to serve it up to you. Isn't that the truth? I want to be pregnant and since we moved to Oklahoma almost six months ago, I've been stalked by pregnancy from everywhere from the grocery store to the "fertility feed" on facebook. I want my parents, but they are too far away. I see mothers and daughters lunching and it stings like a slap. I want a friend and yet there's no one. I have acquaintances. I want an honest-to-goodness friend. I want to be me and say what I want and for them to know the real me isn't in the frustrations that I vent or the sarcasms that I speak. Every time I go out, I see friends together. They are shopping or lunching or working out together and it tortures me that I haven't a kindred spirit in this time zone.

I am trying to prepare myself for a huge endeavor in this IVF cycle. This is one of those colossal undertakings that typically require a support group the size of your restaurant "large party" table. I have my husband to lean on. And when the hormones kick in I'm probably the last person he'll want to be around, not that he understands the ins and outs of the female brain without the influence of hormonal medicinal rage, but you can't put a price tag on a good girlfriend.

I want to feel settled.

I want to feel home.

I want to feel like I belong.

I guess I'll settle for the dinner out tonight. I still really need that shower, though.

As Promised....Minestrone Recipe!

2011-02-03T11:45:00.000-08:00

This was very, very yummy. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

6 slices of bacon
1 cup chopped onion
2 minced garlic cloves
1/2 lb ground beef
1 cup minced celery
1 cup cubed carrots
2 cups tomato puree
2 (14.5oz cans) stewed tomatoes
1 (14 oz can) beef broth
1 (10.5 oz can) condensed french onion soup
5 cups of water
1/4 cup red wine
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried basil
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup chopped zucchini
2 cups spinach rinsed and sliced
1 1/2 cups uncooked small pasta shells
1 (15 oz can) garbanzo beans, drained

In a large stock pot, cook bacon and drain off fat. Add onion, garlic and beef. When onions are translucent, add the next 11 ingredients. Cook for 15 minutes. Add the rest of the ingredients and cook for 15 minutes more. Serve with fresh Parmesan cheese.

This makes a lot so be sure to share a bowl with a neighbor, family member or workmate! We ate on this for three days!

Happy Thursday!

How to Make It Through

2011-02-02T09:57:00.000-08:00

I've decided this month is just going to drag on relentlessly if I don't come up with a list of things to do while I wait to start stimming in March. It's ridiculous that the shortest month of the year is ALWAYS the longest. All I have to do as far as TTC is concerned is take my bc and start Lupron injections on the 15th. I guess I can also enjoy the newfound fun in BDing (although that has nothing to do with conceiving anymore). So, I'm going to start a list of things to do to get me through this lull. Some things are fun, others necessary. In no particular order:

1. Read 3 books. I'm currently working on Pictures of You by Carol Leavitt. I don't think I'll include this in the three seeing as how I'm already 100 pages in. Someone recommended The Hunger Games Trilogy to me and they sound good. After all, a trilogy is three books. Perfect!

2. I'm going in for laser hair removal. I mentioned it in my last post, but I don't think I was being serious. Now I am. I'm calling today for an appointment to get started. Dr. Awesome RE may not care or appreciate a fresh bush, but I do and it's my bush. I'll laser it if I want to.

3. Clean out my closet. Ugh. This one is not fun, but it's necessary. It looks like a cyclone hit it. Must accomplish this task. Imagine how much better I'll rest in my bed after my embryo transfer if my closet is fresh and cleaned out!

4. Must have a few honest to goodness date nights with DH. For real dinner and movie date nights. Must happen!! I want two. Two dates.

5. I want to spend some quality time with DS1 and DS2. Alone time, preferably. I want to be able to concentrate on them and their particular interests and give them my undivided attention. They mean everything to me and I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are in their own way.

6. I want to try a new recipe every week for dinner. I have been in such a rut when it comes to what to make for dinner and I end up making the same things over and over. I want to find new recipes and try them. If they are good, I'll post the recipe on here. I kind of already started doing this this week. I made homemade minestrone. It was amazing. I'll post the recipe tomorrow!

I think this list should sufficiently get me through the longest short month of the year. If I stay busy, it'll fly by!

Nothing Going on but the Rent

2011-01-31T18:57:00.000-08:00

I'm so boring.

I have nothing going on as far as ttc is concerned.

Just taking a little birth control pill once a day, every day.

Anxious to start sticking myself with needles. Can't wait.

Don't even go back to the doctor until March 2nd.

Is it March yet?

I'm gonna have to live vicariously through you girls this cycle since I got a whole lotta nada happening here.

Big snow storm coming.

School's already been canceled and we've got.....zero snow out there.

DH's work got canceled due to the snow that has yet to arrive.

Pharmacy called today and my meds are going to arrive on Thursday.

Because we have insurance, my portion of the $3500 worth of IVF meds is less than $300. Three cheers for insurance!

Thinking about getting some laser hair removal done "down there" during the month of February just to amuse myself. Also, I think it would be kind of me to be "fresh" down there for ER and ET. Thoughts?

*Big Sigh*

Oh, and since we found out that we won't ever conceive another child by BDing, the BDing has been......AMAZING. Is it because I'm thirty? Or because BDing is now strictly for sport and just for fun?

That is all.

Teacher's Pet and IVF Calendar of Events!! Ooh and an Announcement!

2011-01-26T11:57:00.000-08:00

Last night, DH and I went to IVF class and let me just say, that place was PACKED! "Helloo fellow Infertiles!!" I wanted to yell as we entered class, but something told me not everyone was in a joking mood. So we copped a squat in the back of the room and the powerpoint presentation quickly got underway. Within five minutes, my hand went up. I questioned. She answered. Five minutes later, up with the hand. Question/answer. And again. And again. And again. Before we took our five minute break, I had as many questions under my belt. Aub = 5, rest of the class = 0. During the break, DH told me to knock it off with the questions. I rolled my eyes and went straight to the nurse with seven more. They also took our picture with our spouses to put in our file. I thought that was nice. She said they keep a pic of people to remember which two go together and because they like to envision a face with the voice on the line. I thought that was cool. Props to them. Session two of class started with a slide presentation on the ER and ET procedures. I asked eleven more questions. DH looked like he was going to explode. At one point, he tried to put my hand down. Whatevs. By the time it was all over, Aub = 23, IVF Class = 0. Afterward, the nurse thanked me SEVERAL times for asking questions. *pats self on back*

This morning, I had my uterus mapped and IVF blood work drawn. Dr. Awesome RE said my uterus was "gorgeous" (have I mentioned I LOVE HIM?!!!) and he patted me on the back and sent me across the hall to the Fertility Institute to get my blood work and order my meds. I also got my dates!! It just made it all so real! My meds are Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Ovedril, and Progesterone in Oil. I start Lupron on 2/12. I have a suppression check on 2/28. Then I start stims. I continue the Lupron, but then add Follistim (for three days) and Menopur (for nine days.) During that time, I'll have u/s every other day to monitor folly growth. Then sometime on the 12th of March, I'll trigger with the Ovidrel. ER on 3/14 (Progesterone in Oil injections starting that day) and ET on 3/19. Pregnant on 3/19!! I am so excited and blessed and ready for this experience!!

By way of an announcement, I "outed" myself on Facebook as being infertile and I had a wonderful response! 13 beautiful expressions of support and one private message from a person I suspected had dealt with IF offering me her number and any support she could give. It was a great decision to make. If anything, I want others to know that we are out there and that we struggle and we are survivors and we are strong. I am so happy I spoke up!

The Dirty Thirty and IVF Class

2011-01-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

I went to bed last night twenty nine and woke up this morning.....thirty. Yes, indeedy. The dirty thirty is here. I am undecided on how I feel about today. I fully expected to be pregnant by now and I'm not. That's okay, though. I get to go to a class at four that will teach me how to give myself shots in my belly and my bum so that I can get pregnant. Yay thirty!! Woo hoo infertility!!

Ahh, but anyway, IVF class is today. We're going to go over all of our paperwork and then learn how all this shot taking is going to go down. I suppose if I have any questions, they will be answered at that time (?). I'm not sure how many other couples will be there. I hope I have the courage to ask what I want to without the fear of sounding dumb to others. I'll just remind myself that DH and I are there for us and we need to work out all the kinks in our heads. I don't want us to leave today without knowing that we got everything we could out of the session.

Tomorrow is my u/s for mapping my uterus and seeing where the best placement for my embies will be. At that time, I'll also get my dates for ET and ER. How real is that going to make it all?! I still can't believe we are here, but at least there is progress! In six weeks, if all goes well, I will be in my TWW and that much closer to my goal of completing my family and being a mommy again. It will be so different than the past, though. There WILL be life inside me. All they have to do is stick! Wow. How blessed am I to be able to experience this all? I would never call IF a blessing, but the fact that we have the means to continue on where others have to stop makes me feel extremely fortunate.

I guess I have no special wisdom to show for the almost eight hours that I've been thirty. I do know that it's a hard transition. It's a beginning and an end. A chapter in my life closes. The details are finite; they are down in history in permanent ink. A new chapter opens. The pages are blank. They are waiting to be filled with all the joy, blessings, trials, sorrows and possibilities that lie ahead. I know that I don't want to tiptoe quietly in to this decade of my life. I want to bust down the door and shout - -

"HEY, DIRTY THIRTIES!!! I HAVE ARRIVED!!!!!"

Rage Against the Fertility Feed

2011-01-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

This post has all the makings of a good old-fashioned rant. If you want no part of it, please opt out here. I'm ~~telling~~ warning you, it ~~could~~ will get ugly. If you want no part of it, I understand. Just exit here. Okay, if you are still here, I assume you are willing and able to understand the hormonal rant that is about to ensue. I'll keep my anger limited to three subjects.

1.) Is it too much to ask for just one time to log on to facebook and NOT see the inside of someone's uterus? It's bad enough that EVERYONE I ran cross country with in high school is pregnant. (Don't read this as me not being happy for them, read this as a person who desperately wants to be pregnant getting slapped in the face daily, repeatedly by what she will now unaffectionately refer to as the "Fertility Feed.") Is it too much to request that people not put weekly updates of their fetus' development on FACEBOOK? Who would click on those links (infertile or otherwise)? Part of me would love to publicly document my IVF cycle on facebook, just to level the playing field. If infertility affects one in ten couples, I think it would be awesome for somebody (think "me") to put a story out there that disproves the popular belief that touching a penis gets you pregnant. I'm stuck here, peeps. So, so many pregos and on a day like today, I have to physically restrain myself from hiding them from my newsfeed. Ugh. On a side note, I've gotten awesome at skipping and skimming. If it appears that a girl is standing sideways in a pic to show off a belly, my eyes go right over it and keep on going. "Selective Facebooking" is what I call it.

2.) Where in the hell is my period? Again, is it too much to ask to NOT have to wait for her when I know she's coming? Dr. Awesome RE told us that we would NEVER conceive another child naturally. It's not like I'm sitting here with false hope thinking that sperm and egg have united and that a little bit of magic is going on inside my womb right now. I'm not getting tricked into taking a WondFo, Flo. Just get here, ya beeyotch, so I can get on with my ~~life~~ IVF.

3.) My husband came home a little while ago from a 10 mile run and proceeded to waft around the house smelling like a wet dog. Bear in mind, odor is my constant enemy. Living with three men and a dog (who used to be a man before we had his you knows cut off) puts me on smell duty all the time. A candle is always burning, dirty dishes don't sit in the dishwasher, dirty laundry doesn't sit in the hampers, and the garbage is always taken out before it start to stink. So, as you can imagine, walking around smelling like a wet, stinky dog man is UNacceptable. Part of me knows he did it on purpose just because he subscribes to the eighth grade boy school of thought where if you like a girl, you piss her off just to put out the vibe that you like her.

I know as far as rants go, this could be way worse. Part of me feels bad about the facebook rant. It's not like it's those girl's fault for being fertile. It's not our fault for being infertile. It's just that fertility is everywhere, completely acceptable to be pregnant regardless of the situation surrounding it all. Infertility is taboo and that is unjust and even if no one cares about it, it should be in their faces, too.

I don't feel bad about the husband rant, but I will amend myself where I said he did it on purpose. He was probably clueless to his smell. He doesn't think any of his "smells" smell.

As far as AF is concerned, she can go %$*^ herself.

***EDIT**** I just signed out, went to the bathroom and SHE'S HERE. Woo hoo!! CD One! Birth control to start on Tuesday! :)

My First ICLW and a Sad Saturday :(

2011-01-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

Yay! My first ICLW! Welcome to my blog. I'm Aub, an almost 30 something and DH will be 31 soon. We have been TTC #3 since 2010.We were not even considered infertile by our RE (we haven't been trying yet for a year) but I started seeing him because my cycles were irregular and ovulation was not always predictable. I just completed a perfectly timed Femara cycle this month and during it all, we found out through a s/a that DH tested positive for two antisperm antibodies. We have been been diagnosed with MF IF and are starting down the path of IVF with ICSI. Pretty heavy diagnosis to swallow..

Today is a sad Saturday for me. My mom, who has been visiting from West Virginia for the week, is leaving today. We just moved from the Pittsburgh, PA area to Oklahoma City, OK five months ago and I have been so very homesick for my parents and the mountains of West Virginia. I went back for a brief visit in November and was planning on going back with my two sons in March for spring break, but I'll be in my TWW from my ET and I think Dr. Awesome RE would heavily discourage me from traveling when I'm supposed to be giving my embies a fair shot at implanting.

Now, I'm not a selfish brat. I know what's important and what is the right thing to do. We are trying to complete our family via some of the most invasive and expensive means possible and it would be ~~silly~~ stupid to risk it all just to go home and visit my family and friends. I've been debating on putting off the whole IVF cycle until I go home, see everyone that I miss, recharge, reboot, re-Aub. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I have my birth control pills, AF is due today. IVF class is scheduled for Tuesday at 4. I will need to make my appointment for Monday or Wednesday for my u/s and mapping. I feel bad because the wheels have been set in motion for IVF NOW. Would it be so bad if I just waited? Could I just wait?

Ugh. Sorry to be such a drama queen.

Here's a song that I like. It suits my mood today, feeling "Cuckoo":)

Cuckoo by Lissie

The Good Cry - Warning! A Long Read :)

2011-01-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

I don't think I told you all, but my mama is visiting me this week from West Virginia. We've been having a great time together. I missed her so much. Since we moved to Oklahoma, my mom hasn't been in the best of health. She found out the long, hard way (too many doctors, too many tests - we know what that's like) that she has lupus. :( She's going to start seeing her rheumatologist at the beginning of February and is feeling super hopeful to get on the right track to feeling better. It's been very difficult to be so far away from her during all this. She feels the same way with me being here and dealing with infertility.

Yesterday, we went to the Oklahoma City National Memorial Museum. For those of you who do not know, it is the memorial and museum that was built to honor those that lost their lives in the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building bombing on April 19, 1995. Most of us gals were 12, 13, or 14 when this happened, give or take a few years. It was one of the most profound and telling memorials I have ever been to. The way the whole museum is set up, the message that it sends, just being there stirred so many emotions within me that were sometimes more than my senses could handle. The outside memorial with the east and west gates, the shallow reflection pool, the field of empty chairs to signify the 168 lives lost, and the "survivor tree" were all that sat outside where the building once stood.

Each section of the museum had a message and was deemed a chapter in the story starting with a history of terrorism, the city on the morning of the bombing, the rescue efforts, the impact, etc. The final chapter was based on hope. Hope that those who visited the memorial would walk away having been affected by what they saw and make it their resolve to never let violence be the answer to anything.

I know this is a blog about infertility, but it is also my blog, my voice and I actually felt that many of the things I saw that day were directly linked to my struggle with IF. Not just mine, but I thought of each and every one of you girls, too. I know we haven't known each other for that long, but infertility is such a binding tie and I feel close to each of you. I know you'll see the connections in the things that I saw that day....

The east gate represents Oklahoma City in the moment before the bomb went off. 9:01 is the minute before the explosion. The minute that there was an innocence and ignorance to the city that was blissful and soon to be gone forever. I thought about our struggle before we knew it was a struggle. Sure, a fraction of us who face infertility have always had a problem within ourselves, but was it really a struggle until we met the men we love and wanted to make a baby with them? No, before IF we were just regular gals, jumping into bed with our husbands, showing them how much we loved them and hoping that we'd get a baby out of the deal. Don't you remember those early days of trying when anything was possible and nothing could hurt us? It was all so exciting. There was such promise of happiness.

What about after infertility? The west gate represents what 9:03 meant to Oklahoma City on April 19, 1995. It meant that a city, state and nation would be forever changed, its innocence torn away from it, the untouchable status it once enjoyed reduced to rubble. Are we not the same? Have we all not felt one way or another deeply changed having dealt with IF? Our promise of happiness is not even a promise anymore. We live in uncertainty from one day to the next. The only guarantee with infertility is hurt.

The field of empty chairs represents the lives of those lost in the bombing. Most were in the building. Some were outside. Some were rescue workers. For those that were in the building, their chair corresponds with where they were in the building when the bomb detonated. Nine rows represent the nine floors that housed several different federal offices. The whole second row of smaller chairs represent the nineteen children who were on the second floor in the facility's daycare. This brought to my mind the feelings of loss that accompany our struggle with infertility. We lose a bit of our hope, our optimism, ourselves each failed cycle. Some of us have endured early losses when the odds are just turning in our favor. Others have had to deal with losses later on and have to bury babies who took years to gain and mere months to lose. The chairs reminded me of the number of possibilities stripped away from anyone who has struggled for years with infertility.

The Survivor Tree, an American Elm, is named so because it survived the bombing and a dismal sentencing of being cut down. On the day of the bombing, it was partially burned and loaded with shrapnel from its trunk to its branches. Once the Murrah building was imploded and all of its pieces hauled away and buried, the attention of the demolition team turned to the tree to cut it down. However, it was already beginning to show signs of life again and they brought in a team from the US Department of Forestry to tend to it and nurse it back to health. It still stands today! In fact, it is even possible to purchase seedlings from this very tree to plant your own American Elm! This was the last place we visited before we left the museum and memorial grounds. I sat on the cement wall and thought of how much stronger I am having faced infertility and continuing my battle with it. I thought of you all, too, and what wonderful people you are and how your individual fight makes you all survivors. None of us can be cut down by IF. We are all destined to live full, happy lives, regardless of the trials we face and the shrapnel that scars us along the way.

And it was then that I let out all that I had been holding in. I cried for the innocent people who perished on April 19, 1995. I cried for the babies who lost parents, the parents who lost babies, the husbands lost, the wives gone. I cried for myself. I cried for each of you. I cried for the pain we all feel and the hope that we all cling to when we have nothing else to go on. I cried for the past failed cycles and the future happiness that none of us are even sure of anymore. I cried for the hope I still have for myself and for you all to complete our families and bring our babies home. I cried the good cry.

Sink or Swim: IVF Here We Come!!!

2011-01-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

So, I tend to always give away the point of my post in the title. We had our consult with the wonderful RE whom I adore. He carefully explained the results of DH's s/a with us and then he sat back, drew a deep breath and recommended we try three months of inseminations. HUH?!

He said that three was a good number. Give it our best effort. Then move on to IVF if they failed. He said he would amend his plan of treatment and move directly to IVF if he felt that my mental stability would be compromised if all three IUIs failed. Then he asked me to stop biting my lip and tell him my thoughts on it all.

I told him that had he recommended the inseminations three months ago (impossible, we didn't even know each other), I would totally be for "giving it our best effort". Recently, however, I've been a part of too many dialogues and read too many studies where people who are in similar situations with antisperm antibodies tried in vain with IUIs to get pregnant. Each and every one achieved success through IVF. DH and I are very results-driven people and three more months of nothing would feel like a lifetime and we are NOT in the business of spinning our wheels and and spending our dollars and getting no where.

Dr. Awesome RE immediately pulled out his tape recorder thingy-ma-bob and started recording his summation of our visit saying, "In the interest of time and sanity, patient has decided to forgo inseminations and move directly to IVF." So, it was done.

We went across the hall to the hospital's fertility clinic, scheduled our IVF class for Tuesday, January 25th (my birthday!), got our manila envelope of paperwork and a packet of birth control pills to start on CD 3 (sometime this weekend!).

Wow, talk about jumping in the deep end! I hope we swim!! :)

Looking Forward With Hope

2011-01-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

I need to start off by thanking everyone for all their kind words and for just putting up with me the past few days. I haven't been that easy to deal with and I'm fairly certain I'm done wallowing in my self-pity. I feel so thankful to still have an option and I feel so thankful to have all of you and your beautiful words that picked me up when it all was just too much to take.

I am looking forward. Tomorrow, we have our IVF consult and we are working on a list of questions for my RE. It feels good to be making plans. It feels good to be looking forward to the next stage. Finding out that our option was one and not a very ideal one was by far the biggest kick in the teeth thus far, but in the darkest part of it all, I let go. I let go of all of this control that I've been holding onto and now I feel a little bit like I'm falling. I don't know where I'm going to land, but I trust that the hands that catch me are those of ones I trust and love: God, my DH, my family, my wonderful friends (you all included, of course!), my RE, whom I trust and know without a doubt has my very best interests at heart. I think, in a way, I will be there to catch myself, too. Each time I get knocked down, I get up stronger than I was before the blow. This has truly been a journey of self-discovery.

My blog title comes from the quote "Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."

How true these words feel today...

Punished

2011-01-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

I have had every emotion imaginable in the last 24 hours. They were easy to feel, impossible to speak. It dawned on me last night as I lay awake that the word that kept surfacing in my mind was "punished." It makes absolute sense to me right now that I am being punished for something that I've done.

I took for granted the fertility that we had before?

I am ungrateful for the children that I have?

We turned our whole world upside down and moved 1000 miles away from everyone/everything we knew chasing this dream of a third child. Now all I want to do is wake up tomorrow in a house close to my family and friends. I want to look at my husband and not see our future little one in his eyes looking back at me. I want to soak in all the things we do have and feel full, satisfied, whole. I want to feel happy, genuinely happy for the baby bumps and announcements that I see everyday without feeling empty and worthless and wondering, "Why not us?"

If only I could wake up tomorrow and not want a baby....

the results are in

2011-01-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

The nurse from my RE's office called with the results of DH's semen analysis. They are as follows:

Count: 14.9 million/mL (Normal is 20 million/mL)

Motility: 46.2% (Normal is 50% or more)

Morphology: There were no morphology results and the nurse was waiting for the lab to call her back and explain why.

Antisperm Antibody: 48% tested positive for Direct IGG antibodies
58.8% tested positive for Direct IGA antibodies
0% tested positive for Indirect IGG and IGA antibodies

We will never conceive a child naturally. We have an appointment Monday afternoon to discuss the results and our ~~options~~ option. IVF with ICSI.

I am numb.

I am angry.

I have never felt more regret than I do right now. We should have never been so stupid to think that a vasectomy reversal would mean that we could have a child.

the waiting is the hardest part

2011-01-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

Why is it that all we do is wait, wait, wait? It's like I'm living my life in incriments of hours, days, and weeks. It can be so discouraging, knowing that so much is beyond our control and out of our hands. I'm currently waiting to get the call about DH's s/a. We were told yesterday that they would have the results to our doctor's office some time yesterday afternoon. My RE's nurse called at minutes til 5 to say that they had not received the results, but that she would "try" to call as soon as she got them. So. I. Wait.

The whole experience of giving the sample went fine. DH and I met over at the medical center and went up to the suite that housed the lab and the doctor's practice that would do our testing for us. We had to find a place that would not only do the s/a, but also the antisperm antibody test as well. We filled out a single sheet of information and were escorted into a room where DH could "do his deed". He informed me many times how humiliating it was for him to do such a thing and it took all but biting my tongue off not to say, "How about last week when me, you, and two strangers hung out in a dark room where one of the strangers put a wand up my t%^t and we all took a peek at my inside lady parts. Do you think THAT wasn't embarrassing for me?" I had to keep telling myself that men are just full grown babies sometimes and even if I don't ever get pregnant and get my baby, I'll always have him. :)

I'm really hoping to get some news today. It would be super helpful to my sanity if I didn't have to run for the phone every time the dryer buzzed. :/

Not copying off of my dear friend's blog (but kind of), since I quoted a song in my post title, I shall present the song in it's entirety here:

As soon as I hear something form my RE, I will pass on the news to you all.

a time to talk about it

2011-01-11T08:45:00.000-08:00

I guess it's that time. I spent all day Sunday writing off any hope I had for this medicated cycle after learning that all of my husband's sperm were dead in my post-coital test. What a slap in the face. I still feel down about it, but I've moved on to numb and I've found when I'm numb, I can still function, make plans and carry on with my day. Thank goodness for that. Especially since it was necessary yesterday to make arrangements for the next step.

The next step is to get a full semen analysis of DH. We have taken peeks at some samples in the last few months, giving us confirmation of the success of his vas reversal. Just in November, I saw what seemed to be millions of sperm swimming happily in their fluid almost two hours outside of his body. I'm praying we get good results from the semen analysis, which is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. Since he has had a vas/vas reversal they will also be testing him for antisperm antibodies, which you can read about here. It's too long and complicated for me to describe and this article does a good job of explaining it.

Of course, I've already started to obsess over the "possible" results of the analysis. I doubt it's low count/low motility. I'm no expert, but the amount of sperm I saw under the microscope in early November from a very small amount of his entire sample equaled millions of sperm in my mind. The urologist said they looked great, were all swimming forward and there was A LOT of them. Maybe I shouldn't count out low count/motility as a result, but it really hasn't crossed my mind.

The antisperm antibody is a completely different animal. IF he has the antibody, we really need it to be attached to the tail of the sperm. An IUI would be an "easy" fix (as if any of this is easy). The antibody on the tail keeps the sperm from being able to swim properly. The IUI would get them closer to the goal and give us pretty good chances at conceiving. IF the antibody is attached to the head of the sperm, we would be recommended IVF with ICSI. I really haven't even allowed my mind to wrap around the idea of IVF. When we set out to complete our family, I never would have imagined facing those three letters. That's all I can really say about that right now. I can't let my mind go there yet.

IF his sperm live outside his body but not in mine, it makes sense to me that it's my CM killing them. That, my friends, would be awesome. Another Femara cycle with an IUI and we would be golden.

I'm going with option "D." It most certainly will be my CM and we will fix it easily next month. I'm setting myself up big time here, I know, but I have to believe that some part of this will be easy. Cut me a break, right? :/

Post-Coital Update

2011-01-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

They were all dead.

I don't understand why for every ounce of hope and happiness I've felt of late, a full pound of despair and sadness accompanies.

happy surge day!!

2011-01-08T17:19:00.000-08:00

I did it! I surged! Woo hoo!! And we've jumped on the baby making train of opportunity and gotten busy twice in the last 22 1/2 hours. I thought I'd share a picture of my happy positive OPK sticks:

The top one is from this morning around 7 am. The bottom is from this afternoon at 1. I have detected my LH surge! The next step will be to go into my R.E.'s for a post-coital test at 9:15 in the morning. Hip! Hip! :) I'm actually pretty anxious about this test and I hope that DH's spermies are swimming happily in my CM.

I thought I'd also include my positive digital OPK test. It's a smiley face and I feel that I deserve to look at a smile. I also find it funny to pee on something and it give me a happy face in return:

So exciting!!

CD15 and the ever-illusive "O"

2011-01-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

Oh, you tricky, tricky devil. Here I am, feeling like a dang hen on a big juicy egg that's never gonna hatch. My OPK was negative. Again. Not even a little line. Really? Is that how it's gonna be? I feel great giving my lining a little more time to thicken up and getting that follie nice and big (two days ago it was 20.1mm), but enough is enough and I'm ready to get the baby-making BDing on!! Bring on this TWW, but Lord don't give me any more stark white sticks!!

I need a plan. DH suggested luring the eggie out with a twinkie, but that sounds gross and messy to me. I had thought maybe we could scare it out with either a horror movie tonight or maybe DH could jump out at me and scare me. I'll happily take any other suggestions on how to get this TWW started but until then....

This'll be me. Sitting on my egg. Bruck! Bruck! Bruckahhh!

Would You Pull Yourself Together Woman??

2011-01-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty much an emotional mess today. I've tried on every single mood there is and NONE of them are suiting me. I've let thoughts of doubt get to me and I think I've ruined my day and the day of a few friends who were victims of my texts/calls. I've purposely not spoken to DH today as to not yell at him. We are supposed to be BDing every night and I hate BDing when I'm angry. I also can't stand the thought of DH saying the above words to me when I fly off the handle over things I obsess on. I don't need a lecture. I need a box of tissues and a padded room.

It all started when I went over my u/s in my mind. Over and over again. I keyed in on the comment my RE made about my lining being on the "thin side." I took that comment and within an hour convinced myself that I will not conceive this month because my lining will be way too thin. And there you have it folks. A demonstration of how a small seed of doubt can ruin the whole garden of hope.

5.8mm on CD13. I still have time before I O (probably a good 3 days or so), but why couldn't it have been 6.5 or even just 6? If it's not a big deal, why did my RE even say anything about it being thin? Is he trying to break it to me that things aren't looking good, but didn't want to rule out my chances just yet? How is it that I am transfixed by a few words that he said during an otherwise very good visit? Am I crazy?

Don't answer that...

"Can we make an omelette with that egg?"

2011-01-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

This is what DH asked my RE today when we went in for the midcycle u/s this morning. Yes, it's true. I've got a pretty nice follie on the left side! Just one, but I was told that one is enough. It measured 20.1mm and everything else looks great. My lining is a little on the thin side, but well within normal range. Ovulation isn't expected for a few days yet, so Dr. R says that all will be fine in that department when I do "O".

I had mixed emotions about today's visit. Part of me wanted to see two follies. I wanted to super-ovulate. I know it sounds crazy, but had there been two, I would have felt better about A) my chances in conceiving this cycle and B) that my body was working on its own. Now I question both. Will this be the month? Was I even ovulating before the Femara? It's difficult not to get all down in the dumps and second guess every little detail. I probably asked Dr. R eleventy times if he was happy with everything and felt that all was up to his expectations. Eleventy times back, he gave me a big smile and the "thumbs up." Now it's up to us, I guess.

He still would like for me to come in on Friday for a post-coital exam. I'm probably going to go, but I don't know how to feel about it. I've read lots of forums where people are saying that theirs came back bad, but they ended up getting pregnant that very cycle. Some people get great reports from it, but have yet to get their bfp. A lot of doctors don't place much value on them, where others do. AGH!! What to think? What to think? If it comes back bad, I'm probably going to go off the deep end, for real. My mind will say, "One egg? Hostile CM? Good luck with that one, loser!" *Big sigh*

To answer Josh's question about the omelette, Dr. R just laughed and said, "Absolutely. Make a baby omelette with that thing."

Here's hoping!!!

Yow-Za!!!!!

2011-01-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

I don't have alot to say, but I finished my Femara on Saturday (yay!) and although I have yet to get that smiley face on my OPK, my ovaries are working overtime - both of them! I can feel so much activity going on down there and I'm so excited! I just want to get to Wednesday for my mid-cycle u/s and count and measure these follies!

I'm on CD 11 and feeling great, just impatient. Want to get the rest of this cycle going! :)

Looking For a Sign...

2011-01-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

The transition from 2010 to 2011 was not a fun one in our household. DH and I are trying to car shop and yesterday we went to the dealership to test drive a new vehicle. We got a late start and were feeling flustered. Once at the dealership, we argued over everything from outside color to features and everything in between. It felt pointless and a waste of time. I could feel my emotions getting the best of me. This Femara has me very up and down in the mood department.

When we got home, we fought. It was awful. I couldn't stop crying and DH just piled on one hurtful comment on top of the other. He doesn't understand why I just can't be happy here and be settled. He said he's sick of living his life trying to keep me from crying. He said he hated the way "those pills" were making me act and he said he wished I'd stop taking them. He stormed out. I'd never felt so crushed and defeated.

Part of me knows that there is much truth in what he had to say. I'm a grown woman who's really never kept her emotions under control. When I'm angry, you know. When I'm sad, you know. When I'm happy, you know. My heart is on my sleeve. Ever since we knew that ttc was not going our way, I have been very emotional. Each busted cycle grinds me deeper into the ground and knocks the wind out of my spirit. I live 1000 miles away from my family and my friends. My whole support system is 18 hours away and DH has shouldered the brunt of my anger, sadness, frustration. I know he feels like he has failed in making me happy since we moved here. I know I've done a bad job of telling him that it's not him, it's THIS: Everything is hard. Nothing has gone smoothly. The last six months have felt like one slap in the face after another. I'm tired. I want peace. I want results.

When he returned, he apologized for the things he had said out of anger. We didn't talk much the rest of the night. When midnight came, he was in bed and I was reading on the couch. It was a horrible New Year's Eve. The Femara is a lot to blame. My crying and feeling super insecure all the time. I read online that many women were extremely emotional and weepy on their Femara cycles. This made me feel a little better. I still was left questioning if we are doing the right thing, though. Will I ever get a positive hpt? Am I blindly groping after something that is never going to happen? I went to bed asking for a sign, anything to give me the push to keep going on this course. Something that says, "Don't throw in the towel. Not yet."

I know it's a silly thing to ask for: a sign. What would it be? Would I even recognize it if I got one? Would it ever come? Then, at about 5:00 this afternoon I got my sign -

Can you believe it?! A hot air balloon in my own backyard! It was so bizarre, but I knew it was my sign! I grabbed DH and we ran to check it out. I wanted to cry (again, the Femara) because the first thing that popped in my head as a possible meaning for this balloon to land in our backyard on the first day of the first month of 2011 was this:

Expect the unexpected! There are more surprises in store this year!

Yeah, I Got Them All Covered

2010-12-30T06:17:00.000-08:00

By "them" I'm speaking of the side effects from the Femara. Let me preface this post by saying that I'm pretty sensitive to medications. I rarely take anything and even have to be urged to take Tylenol and Advil when I have a bad headache or cramps. So, yeah, medicine doesn't agree with me. Yay.

So, I took my first Femara two nights ago and had a fitful night's sleep. I woke up at five with a migraine. I went back to sleep around 6:30 and then woke up at 8 only to experience the worst hot flash I have ever had, followed by a full day of feeling shaky and queasy. I started to feel better around evening time, when it was time to........take my next pill. :/

My good friend was on her first day of Femara yesterday, so I was sure to let her know all the side effects I was experiencing. She told me that she wasn't having any, but would let me know when/if she did. A few hours later, she informed me that she felt the hormonal rage starting to brew inside her and my first thought was, "Well, I can handle the physical side effects, but don't make me hormonal and moody on top of it all."

Fast forward to 11o'clock last night when I was lying on the couch surrounded by tissues watching The Nanny and bawling. At The Nanny.

DH - "Will you please come to bed?"

Me - "No! I hate everything!"

DH - "I'm not going to leave you out here watching Fran Drescher and crying like a loon."

Me - "Go away! I wouldn't expect you to understand!" (Collapses in heap amongst snotty Kleenex).

So, yeah. I got all those side effects listed on the bottle covered. At least it's "better" than Clomid, right?
Right?

A Sprinke of Hope....A Dash of Defeat

2010-12-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went for my u/s and walked out with a prescription for Femara (Letrozole) 2.5 mg. The u/s went great, everything looked good. No cysts on the ovaries, uterine lining thin. I'll be taking my first pill sometime this evening and working on containing my hope. At least, that's what my RE's nurse thinks I should do.

I told her that I would like to take a peek at everything next week around ovulation time to see how I responded to the medicine. In my mind, I'd hate to go through this cycle thinking that I was taking some magic pill only to find out that nothing happened. I told her that I'd rather know every step of the way because I had a lot of hope for this cycle to be "the one." That's when she brought me back down to the world of uncertainty and self-loathing. "Don't get your hopes up too much. Your chances are about the same as anyone who's body is functioning normally. 20%."

Uhh....but my body hasn't been functioning normally. So 20% IS an improvement. Right? Am I right? Thanks for pissing in my cheerios, chica. When does my doctor get back, by the way? Why is there always that rogue wave knocking you down? I know I shouldn't invest too much stock into what she says, but she's an RE's nurse. She sees people get their hopes up and dashed every month - month after month. I guess I should be thankful for her dose of reality. This may not be the month.

But I hope it is.

CD One

2010-12-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

No big revelation as to what this post will be about. The title most certainly gives it away. I find myself staring down the barrel of another cycle as AF decided to make her grand appearance on Christmas Eve. In the fitting room. At Gap. Yay me.

Gap worker- "How are those jeans working out for you?"

Me- "Do you have a tampon?"

Yep. That's how it went down in one of the ugliest AF showdowns (or show ups?) in recent history. I'm just happy she came, being that I had expected her since Monday. Which begs the question, "Why weren't you prepared for her arrival?" I can only say, "Wishful thinking" in response. It was a break cycle and the good thing about them is they carry no expectations. It would have been nice to have made a little baby down in the Bahamas, but the quality of the BDing was sub par and DH knows this as I have reminded him several times. How cool, though, to call my RE's office and tell them that I no longer required their services? Ah, I digress.

Three days in and looking forward to my u/s tomorrow. Hoping for a good report and to be walking out of there with an rx for Femara in hand. I'll be starting Tuesday and taking it through Saturday. Finishing on January first. The new year.

There I go again with the hope.

We took the boys to their first (mine, too!) NBA game last night and they were thrilled (me too!). Here's some pics from the outing I thought I'd share. The Thunder won! Afterward, we took a drive through where my husband works and showed the boys the Christmas lights they put up there. Insane how tightly wrapped those trees are in lights! Enjoy!

Please, Save Me from Becoming my......Mother

2010-12-24T07:10:00.000-08:00

My 57-year-old post-menopausal mother is seeing an RE. As ridiculous as that sounds, it's true. Let me back up. When we moved to Oklahoma over four months ago, my mom broke out in hives. I joked that she was having a reaction to me being so far away and this was funny for a week or so. Several dermatologist appointments, a battery of tests, and even $5000 worth of blood work ordered up by one very thorough allergist (thank God for health insurance) later has turned up nothing and the poor woman is still covered in hives. The only thing they discovered is that her thyroid is nonexistent and this fact has led her to be referred to an endocrinologist. Easier said than done. The ONLY guy in town couldn't see her until April. She probably would have killed herself by then as I can only imagine what being covered in hives for 4+ months would drive me to. On a whim, she called an RE's office and was happy to hear that he could get her in and would take her case. So, my 57-year-old post-menopausal mother is seeing an RE. Believe me, the irony is not lost on this girl one bit.

She just had her appointment last week (approximately one week after my first appointment with my new RE) and I can imagine she felt a little out of place. I can see pushing 60 and sitting in an exam room with a wall covered in baby pictures (mostly twins, she recalled) would make you say some pretty dumb things. What did my mom choose to say to find some common footing with her doc? I'll give you one guess. She talked about ...me. "My daughter is living in OKC and she and he husband aren't getting pregnant and she just went to an RE last week. Her doctor wants to put her on Femara to make her ovulate and I'm just scared to death she's going to be the Octomom all by herself and so far away from her Mama." Thanks. For. That. Mom. I thought my ears were tingling on Wednesday afternoon. I shall fast forward to her phone call to me after the appointment.

Me- "You called me the Octomom?! Well, if it made you feel better about being around all those baby pictures, then I suppose it's okay to discuss my personal business with a complete stranger (mind you I was kidding)."

Her- "He wanted me to tell you to tell your doctor to test you for Diminished Ovarian Reserve."

Me- "Okay, what?! Why would he even say that? He doesn't know me or anything about my case."

Her- "He said that after he looked at my chart."

And there you have it. No matter what we tell ourselves when we are teenagers about being NOTHING like our moms when we grow up, it is inevitably our fate. She went on to tell me that he believes she should have never gone through menopause so soon and it could very well mean that she "ran out of eggs." It doesn't seem all that far-fetched that the same thing could be happening to me. I'll probably mention it to my doc when I see him on CD 3 for my u/s. I just think it's hilarious that my mother and her doctor are discussing and mock-diagnosing me from five states away. And I suppose it's funny that I'm becoming her a little more every day. Minus the hives, though. :)

Football and Babies Part Two

2010-12-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

So, I've made it abundantly clear that my RE is the guy for me and if you missed that just click here. He made such a great impression before we even discussed my situation and possible treatment. It could not have gone better! Then again, maybe I had my mind made up that it was going to be so bad that it just ended up being not as bad as I imagined. :) Who cares about the why and the how? I feel good. That's all that counts.

Back to the appointment, when it did come time to put me in a test tube and study me he gave me the news: I'm not infertile. That was good and bad to hear. "Yay! I'm not infertile" "Wait, are you going to tell me to leave?" Fortunately, I was able to enjoy the good news without being kicked out on my hiney. I'm not infertile because we haven't been trying for a year. This I knew. It's been almost a year, but we're not there yet. So what now? Being the prepared and informed patient that I knew I would be (with a little help from a good friend), I showed him all the data I had collected. He told me my periods are all over the place. (Yeah, I know.) He told me I'm not ovulating regularly. (Yeah, I had a feeling.) He told me he could help. (Now we're talking, doc.)

After ordering me some tests for my thyroid and prolactin levels, he recommended that we wait for AF to arrive and then schedule an ultrasound for CD 3. He wants to check for cysts and "obstructions" and basically anything that he feels will keep me from conceiving. At that point, he'll also test my FSH levels to see if they're within "normal" range. We already cleared DH as a possible reason for conception failure. The answer lies somewhere in my lower abdominal cavity. We just need to pinpoint what exactly has gone whack with my plumbing. If everything is good with the u/s, he recommended a 5 day rx for either Clomid or Femara, my choice (I'm leaning toward the Femara) CDs 5-9. Then we'll regroup for an u/s to count and measure my follicles. He strongly encouraged DH and I to discuss and plan for the possibility of multiples and if that's NOT what we want, we'll go a different route steering away from fertility medications.

So much to think about after my appointment that my head was dancing with visions of condom-covered ultrasound wands and potholder-covered stirrups. All joking aside, I felt great. I felt relieved. I felt a sense of peace for the first time in a really long time. It was so hard for me to come around to the idea of getting help, but the feeling of contentment as I left with my stack of reading material in hand was a welcome change and a definite step in the right direction. When I discussed it all with DH, he agreed that this is the way to go for now. He's a very results-driven person like me and if doing the same thing month after month isn't getting desired results, choosing to do something different is the right thing to do. Love him for that!

What I didn't care for much was his reaction to the various due dates I threw his way. ME - "If we were to get pregnant on the first cycle, the baby would be due in late September/early October." DH - "Let me check the WVU Football schedule and see if that works. (checks) I don't know about that. I really want to fly back for the LSU game." LOL...he's crazy on all counts. I think/know/hope being here with me and our new baby would trump any West Virginia game, but I try not to make him choose between me and his college football team too much. Saves me from feeling disappointed. :)

What I learned from taking this smallish big step is this: Struggling to get pregnant was consuming me. This appointment gave me my focus back. I realize I can concentrate on my family AND make a baby, too. I don't have to choose anymore! I can give everyone the attention they need and deserve because there's a hand being extended to me that I believe can help make it all happen. My outlook has improved dramatically. The cup may still be half empty, but it's not shattered on the floor with me standing in the broken glass. That's an improvement! So here's to 2011 and baby making! May my due date not coincide with West Virginia Football!

Football and Babies Part One

2010-12-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a few days since my consultation, but this week has been insanely hectic and I'm just now getting to post about it all. Looking back at the week, it was insane and trying at times, but the feeling of peace I have now makes it all worthwhile.

My initial concern going to an RE was that my concerns over TTC would not be taken seriously. I even imagined being turned away from the office and told that I didn't belong there (maybe even a little wishful thinking) but as it turns out, I do belong. My doctor was amazing. How is it possible to put so much trust in someone you've just met? He did a great job of making me feel comfortable and I wanted to share a few things that I really liked about him in general.

1) We were not going to be doing any sort of exam on my first visit, so we moved to his office to talk. That little gesture on his part really eased my tension. I know we could have spoken anywhere, but the fact that he chose to move us from the fluorescent lights of the exam room with the potholder covered stirrups glaring at me put me at right at ease. His office was beautiful and as soon as I sat down, I felt a lot better. I guess I didn't realize how much the exam room freaked me out until we moved elsewhere. Good move, doc!

2) He didn't feel the need to jump right into my file and start talking about my plumbing. First, he told me a little about his background and why he does what he does. He talked about his switch from obstetrics and gynecology to reproductive endocrinology and made me feel like he wanted us to have a relationship, not just him know everything about me, but that he wanted me to be familiar with him and what he does and why he does it. He said, "When you get pregnant, I'd be happy to recommend a OB-GYN." "When you get pregnant..." "When you get pregnant..." "When you get pregnant..." Never "if." Always "when." That felt really, really good. Also noteworthy, not once did he try to sound like a know it all doctor who rambles off his credentials in a pompous, holier than thou way. He just wanted me to know about him. It was exactly what was needed to open the doors of communication.

3) He broke any remaining ice....in a pretty cool way. After he finished telling me about himself, he offered to tell me a little about MYself. I welcomed the opportunity. He looked at my file and said, "You are from.......West Virginia?" Immediately my mind started racing around trying to figure out how he could have picked that up from the information I provided in the Patient Information forms I filled out prior to be called back. Had I provided my cell phone number? With the 304 area code? No. It didn't ask for my cell. Did I scribble little flying WVs in the margin of the page? Most likely....not. Before I could come up with anything else, he asked me how he knew that. I gave up. I told him I had no clue. He informed me that my Social Security number gave me away. He also could tell that DH was from West Virginia and then he moved on to explaining to me how Social Security numbers work and how you can tell where people are from based on them. It was a fun, informative, completely off subject conversation AND I learned something. Who knew??

4) Once we established my origin, he brought up West Virginia football. The key to my heart! This guy is good. Really, really good. We discussed the possible move of Dana Holgorsen from Oklahoma State to West Virginia, which was pretty much still a rumor but on it's way to being announced in a little over twenty four hours. We then went on to talk about TCU being added to the Big East and this and that about Morgantown and such. It's safe to say, from there we could have talked about anything. Anything at all. He had established himself as a person worth spending time with in this endeavor of making a little Jackson baby.

To be continued...

Fast Forward to a Time Where Nothing Makes Sense

2010-12-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

I've been negligent in my blogging. In my defense, I knew I wouldn't post for well over a week because DH, the boys, and I went on a little trip to the Bahamas. Cleared our heads, got some tans, had some drinks. Feeling ready to tackle this week. It's going to be a big one! First thing is first, though:

I feel like I'm fast forwarding big time in the stream of events, but basically, after DH and I were cleared to start trying for a baby, my body stopped making sense. Great timing for the plumbing to bust. Way. To. Go. You see, I've always been one to have a very reliable cycle. AF came on the day I expected her at around 10 in the morning. She lasted five days and we parted ways for another 28 days. This is the life I am accustomed to. However, since January of this year, AF has been an illusive bitch. Sorry, but I will not censor myself when speaking of her. She now shows up whenever she feels like it. Could be 25 days or it could be 40. Since January, she's been wrecking havoc on my life and as I type, I am sitting on one butt cheek. Why? Oh, because I ovulated two days ago and my whole right side and lower back are in a constant state of cramping. Normal? I think not. It also feels as if there is a five pound weight in my va-jay-jay. I checked and there isn't. I'm fairly certain that's not normal either. :(

I contacted my gyno about my concerns and she feels that varying cycle lengths are "not a big concern." Also, painful ovulation can be "normal." Gee, thanks for that. Is your degree in answering question without really answering them? Cause you're awesome at it. And what about me? If I know something isn't normal for me, does that count for anything? Which led me to my "take the bull by the horns" decision. I called an R.E. I told the receptionist what was going on. I expected her to tell me that I was going the need a referral as well as a slew of tests first from my regular doctor. Turns out, I don't need either. She simply asked me if I felt it was time to be seen. I nodded my head and cried.

Let me wrap up by making something clear: I know there are people out there struggling with infertility. Some have been trying for years. They have a clear diagnosis. I'm hoping that's not me. The truth is, I don't know what's going on. I have enough concerns to warrant a visit to the R.E. though. Feeling positive for some answers on Wednesday. Whether or not this is the beginning of a new relationship (albeit patient/doctor) remains to be seen.

"But...They're Going to Cut My Boys....Again"

2010-12-02T08:37:00.000-08:00

The title to this post was DH's simple, clear statement of the reason he didn't want to have another child. It came after months of dead-end conversations that left me wondering what was so bad about kids that made him so resistant. Was it me? Were there deeper problems, like in our marriage, that I had no clue about? What was going on?? Here, none of the above. The poor guy just didn't want to have his boys cut.....again.

I found myself in a precarious position. I've always been able to talk my hubby into this or that, but no way could I or would I pressure him into going under the knife again. I'm spoiled, but I'm no monster. The thing is, I couldn't make him want to do anything he wasn't willing to do and he couldn't make me stop wanting to have a child. What a terrible crossroads to find ourselves at. It was a very sad and confusing time for both of us.

Two months went by and I found myself growing sadder and sadder. I had joy in my two sons. I genuinely loved being a homemaker. I liked having friends over and entertaining. I loved my husband, but felt a distance with him that I never had felt before. It was like I was mourning something I never even had. So, it came as a complete surprise to me on a February day before DS1 turned 8 and there was an epic amount of snow on the ground (26 inches, I think!) when DH re-opened the conversation about baby #3. Without saying a word, I listened to him pour his heart out on the subject and agree to see a urologist for a consultation. I just couldn't believe it. This was really happening. We were really taking our first steps here!

Two weeks later, we had our consultation. The urologist felt that DH was a good candidate for reversal and we were informed that our insurance would cover it all! That was such a blessing considering the procedure was more than $6000. We were asked to go home and discuss it more and call back for scheduling, which we did. I was just happy to be having a conversation with DH that didn't lead to trailed off sentences and blank stares. We were communicating, really communicating and it felt so, so good.

Surprisingly, and even DH would agree with this: the surgery went off without a hitch. He told me more than once that the recovery was easier for the reversal than the original vasectomy. He did great, returned to work within a week, and had zero complications. Only one question remained: Did it work?

Well, of course it did. The nurse from the urologists office happily told us there were "plenty of swimmers." It was officially time to get busy making a baby. :)

Why Now? After All This Time Has Passed?

2010-11-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

If you're reading this and you've glanced over to the right where it says "Time Line of Important Events," you're probably wondering why we went so far as to permanently make it so that we could no longer have children only to turn around and change our minds. It's a pretty natural thought progression that I have every intention of addressing. Quite simply, we made a mistake. Read on...

After we had DS2 and built our modest three bedroom home in Fayetteville, WV, we were feeling very settled and happy with our two boys. Birth control has always been an issue for us. I got pregnant while on one and had a long list of bad reactions to a handful of others. I knew deep down that I wouldn't take it. DH had always expressed his desire to get a vasectomy when we were done having children, seeing as how I worked so hard to bring them into this world. (He's a keeper girls.) We both felt it was time. Like I said before, we were settled, happy. So, we took the plunge and it felt good. It was November of 2006.

Fast forward to the early months of 2008 and we were thrown a curve ball of the epic variety. DH's job was transferred four hours north to Pittsburgh, PA. We didn't have to move. If he wanted to keep his job, however, we did. Employment is good when you have a family. In fact, it's necessary. Kids are 'spensive. So, we went. Loaded up our things, sold our first real home, and left for the big city. It was a very difficult and stressful time. Needless to say, it was a change we neither expected nor welcomed.

We mostly relied on our strong foundation of mutual love and respect for one another to get us through the initial adjustment period after we moved. That's a lie. We relied solely on our sense of humor. Thankfully, we were cut from the same mold when it comes to that aspect of our personalities. We laughed at the Steeler fans. We laughed at the Pitt fans. We laughed at anyone who thought that Pittsburgh was a great place to live. We laughed and laughed that first year. And laughed. And laughed. (Can you tell how much we wanted to be there??) Fortunately, we were closer to where our families lived in West Virginia by living in Pittsburgh, so we went home many weekends. That helped. As the first year came and went, however, I felt a shift in myself. One that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As summer faded into fall and all the leaves changed and subsequently fell to the ground, it became clearer to me what was going on.

My thoughts began to change. I daydreamed about when I was pregnant. I found myself walking past baby pictures of the boys and stopping and staring for a pregnant (pun intended) pause. My dreams were different, too. More times than I can count, I dreamed of baby. A child. In our home...ours. Deep down, I knew what had changed....my mind and my heart. I wanted another child. But, how in he world was I going to bring this up to DH?

To be continued...

"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."

2010-11-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

The above quote by Arthur Helps never meant much to a girl like myself. Sure, I've always considered myself to be a strong individual, as life has a way of wearing you down and making you better than you were before by meeting and overcoming various trials. The thing is: life has been pretty good to me. I'm a happy person who has not experienced *too* much heartache, although I've had lots of interesting surprises. :)

I met my husband in early 2001 and we fell hard and fast for each other. We were married in July and our son, who I'll refer to as DS1, was born seven months later. A beautiful, healthy, Depo-Provera baby boy. A wonderful surprise.

Fast forward to 2005 and after a month of not trying and not preventing pregnancy, we happily found out that we were expecting our second son, DS2. Another surprise, but not so much. It was time to give DS1 a sibling and a little brother was a wonderful gift for him.

Pregnancy has always been an easy feat for DH and I. We were the ones who jokingly told people, "All DH had to do was walk past me and voila! I was pregnant." Ugh. Just knowing I was the type of person who used to say that sort of thing makes me want to defriend myself.

Which I suppose brings me to the point of why my fingers are moving across my keyboard right now, as well as why the above quote has a special meaning to me today. This blog is about us trying to have a baby. Actually trying. Planned out...perfectly. Except that it's not going perfectly. In fact, it's not really going at all. This is hard work. And it kind of sucks. Who knew? Not this girl.

A friend of mine has been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than me. A LOT longer. I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself each failed cycle knowing that she's had five and a half times the failed cycles that I've had. Also, she's trying ttc baby number one. I already have two beautiful children. The reason I bring her up is because she finds blogging about ttc to be therapeutic. At this point, I could use an outlet. Most of the time, I feel sad and frustrated. It's also very lonely. I hope that by sharing my experience, it can help me to organize the feelings and thoughts that so often cloud my brain and keep me awake at night.

So, welcome to my blog! Whether you found it by chance or by invitation, I'm happy to have you along for this crazy ride. Hopefully, it's one that ends with me expanding my family by two feet. :)